August 19, 2014

6 Types Of Guys You’ve Probably Had Sex With

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What is the issue?
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Amirite, ladies?…Seriously, am I right?

1. The Guy Who Tells You What A Great Lover All His Former Sex Partners Thought He Was

When intercourse isn’t really getting you anywhere, he repeats the story of how a girl once told him after sex that it was as if “van Gogh had painted orgasms.” And you instantly climax. This is the same type of guy who has never performed cunnilingus because “he has a short tongue and thought he would be bad at it.”

2. The Guy Who “Forgets” You Haven’t Come Yet And Asks If You Want to Watch Another Episode Of Community

After leaving a generous coating of semen on your chest, he cuddles you contentedly and wonders what pleasant activity you should enjoy together next.

3. The Guy Who Pretends To Go Down On You

This guy hopes that if he kisses your stomach while roughly fingering you, you won’t notice the difference.

4. The Guy Who Identifies As A Sex-Positive Feminist And Claims “What Turns Him On Most Ts the Female Orgasm”, But Really He’s Just A Dude Trying To Fall Into As Many Vaginas As He Can, And He Went Down On You For Like, 30 Seconds

He really respects the agency of the vaginas he’s constantly trying to insert himself in.

5. The Guy Who Wants You To Have All the Orgasms, All The Time

After being with Types 1-4 you truly appreciate this guy’s effort. Unfortunately, being constantly pleasured and not being able to reciprocate in full gets frustrating for you pretty fast. In the end, the vibrators, butt plugs, and engine-powered sex machine he bought on Ebay are actually attempts to fill a gaping hole in an unhappy relationship.

6. The Guy Who Just Does Everything Right

Now this is how sex is supposed to be… If he weren’t a Global Warming denier, this could really be something. TC mark

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