August 9, 2011

What His Underwear Says About Him

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What is the issue?

I was at a party a few weeks ago when this really attractive guy (he said he was a model) and I started to have an in-depth conversation about men’s underwear – my party-conversation skills are obviously very sophisticated.

He told me that underwear was the most important part of a guy’s outfit, and that he loved to watch his boyfriend walk around their apartment in just his briefs.

That doesn’t sound sanitary, I thought.

The model-guy then went into detail about how he likes to wear black underwear when he wears black clothing, because it makes him feel sexier. “It’s the same as women wearing lingerie,” he said.

I’m old-school – I like Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. To me, underwear is just about functionality and comfort. I don’t care what kind of underwear a guy wears (or lack thereof). I’ve always had the mindset that if a guy wears really expensive or “sexy” underwear, he actually lacks confidence – he makes up for his insecurity by expensively framing the goods. Likewise, boxer briefs and thongs tell a different story. So here’s my break-down of men’s underwear and the type of guy who wears them.

Briefs

Unless they are whitey-tighties, briefs are usually considered the sexiest type of men’s underwear. Briefs hug the waist, accentuate the upper thigh, and increase the front-bulge. Popular brands include: Calvin Klein, 2(x)ist, and Diesel.

Verdict: Brief-wearers may take too much stock in their appearance and could be superficial. They might make for selfish lovers. Conversely, they probably have good hygiene and will compliment your outfit/ lingerie.

Boxers

When I was in high school, boxers were the only thing that the guys in gym wore. Now that I look back, I think it had something to do with the fact that boxers are effectively just another pair of shorts and conceal any bulge (which was important in high school gym class). Boxers are the most uncomfortable things to wear because they bunch up and provide no support.

Verdict: A guy who wears boxers has no direction in life and is stuck in his high school ways. This probably means that he has a high sex-drive and will go on late-night Taco Bell runs for you.

Boxer Briefs

This is the liger of underwear, the hybrid combination. Boxer briefs provide good support, while allowing for just the right amount of fabric. Boxer briefs aren’t usually sexy – they cover the upper thigh, the waistband is usually more forgiving, and they don’t create the desired hammock effect that briefs do.

Verdict: While a no-name pair of boxer briefs may be a sign of confidence, they might also equal a lack of ambition or drive. This underwear may not be the most passionate-type of underwear, but the wearer is probably more prone to cuddling.

Thong/ Jockstrap/ Bikini

Miscellaneous/ exotic underwear is unknown territory for me. I’ve seen it on store shelves and on the internet, but I don’t think I know anyone who wears any of them on a daily basis.

Verdict: The miscellaneous underwear guy might be a little more adventurous in bed or the most inexperienced – yes, this is contradictory, but there is really no way to tell unless you get in bed with them. This underwear is like a grab-bag – you never know what you will get.

Commando

Guys who don’t wear underwear are often considered “gross” or lacking basic hygiene. But don’t judge them right off the bat. The commando-man is probably the least concerned with appearance and might be the most easy-going of them all.

Verdict: The commando-man is hard to read: he could either be a free spirit or just plain lazy/ forgetful. The plus-side to not wearing underwear is that there is one-less step in the undress-process. He probably doesn’t care what you are wearing and won’t take any notice to your after-sex (usually sloppy) appearance. TC mark

image – Alberto Alonso G
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