She Has Sexual Fantasies Just like You Do, Except She Gets a Bunch of Shit for Hers

Men have phone sex; women talk dirty. Men are “bad boys”; women are “dirty girls.” Most women have that naughty, “dirty” side that drives many of their sexual fantasies. Most of those fantasies aren’t literally bad and dirty, however. Women don’t fantasize about being sexually assaulted by bridge trolls on top of floating garbage skiffs. But they do fantasize about being sexually dominated and controlled by handsome, caring, and capable men who operate secretly on the fringes of acceptable society. The Fifty Shades series has sold more than 100 million copies for a reason.

What is a modern woman to make of this part of her sexual-emotional circuitry? She’ll probably bury it deep in her private bedroom habits and worry that if she ever disclosed it to a guy, he’d be such a reductive idiot that he would think she wants to be dominated and controlled all the time, in every aspect of her life. Or worse, he might take it as license to unleash the really fucked up shit he’s wanted to try.

It doesn’t seem fair (aren’t all fantasies created equal?), but the reality is that women are more prone to sexual disgust than guys are, and the average guy wants the average woman to do stuff that she’d find at least moderately gross—anal, bondage, threesomes, and more.

She’s unsure how to think about this. If she holds her ground and only does what she’s comfortable with, will a good boyfriend abandon her for some kinky skank? She’s also vaguely aware that her dad would want to kill you for whatever you want to do to her body, and his judgment hovers over her bedroom like the Eye of Sauron. Even if she’s sexually open to some of the weird shit that you want, she’s not confident that she can do it right. The sexual skills they require are baffling and intimidating to her, and cultivating them would increase her risk of being slut-shamed from certain corners of her life.

And just to add insult to injury, she knows she probably won’t reach orgasm the first few times she sleeps with you. When you have sex with a new woman and you’re under about age 60, you can be pretty confident that you’ll enjoy the experience and be able to come. For guys, sex is reliably pleasant. But for women with a new guy, she won’t feel safe and relaxed enough, or she won’t be attracted enough to him yet, or he won’t know her body well enough. Especially in one-night stands, most women don’t climax with most men. They might still have a wonderful time—women can enjoy non-orgasmic sex a lot more than you realize, especially if you’re really into them. But she usually won’t reach that world-melting, mind-blowing orgasm that she might be craving.

Also, she resents your putting pressure on her to orgasm. She knows you want her to come, and she knows that to you it’s some weird test of your sexual skills and gentlemanly altruism. But, honestly, if she just wanted to come, she’d have stayed home with a bottle of white wine, Fifty Shades of Grey, and her vibrator. If she’s with you, it’s because she wants more than just an orgasm. She wants a sexual connection. She wants to feel sexually desired. And she wants you to have a great time so you’ll call her again. And often, the best way for you to give her all that is to just enjoy the hell out of her, without worrying too much about whether she comes. By all means, be great at foreplay—but do it because you love it, not like you’re warming up a car engine on a cold morning.