Dear Bros: Let’s Stop Cat-Calling
Last night I was with my two roommates — a lovely couple — and as we were taking a late night stroll, a car passed us by. The three men in the car proceeded to roll down their windows as one man casually told my female friend “Dang. They don’t make white girls like they used to,” aka a “cat call.” Except that I think this particular idiot is such an idiot he didn’t realize that his attempt at a cat call was actually a dis. I think he meant “Dang, you’re super hot for a white girl” but he actually basically said “Wow. White girls used to be super hot.” For the record, my female friend is a total A+ babe (not that it’s pertinent).
What is pertinent is the following question: Dear bros, why do we cat call? Why do we leer at women while yelling the hokiest, dumbest lines, thinking that it’s going to work? Honestly, when is the last time any of us ever got laid or even a number doing this? Because I can’t understand the logic behind it.
Well let me clarify, I can’t understand a lot about it. Foremost, it’s rude. Girls don’t peer out of their cars and leer at us. They don’t honk their horns and say “hey, daddy.” They don’t comment on our asses (I would know, too — I’ve heard mine is preeeetty cute). They don’t say “Hey. Looks like you’ve got a big cock in there.” or something equally idiotic. And for those of you who are struggling to experience empathy right now and quick to argue “I wish they would!” — you’re ignorant. No, you wouldn’t like it. You wouldn’t want women who are strangers making you feel like you’re constantly being scrutinized, judged and harassed. Sometimes you want to wear sweatpants, feel invisible and walk to 7/11 for a Gatorade and a Slim Jim because you had a rough night. You can’t do that if people are constantly going out of there way to make you feel, well, quite visible.
But people have been making that argument against cat calling for years. We’ve played the whole ethical card a kagillion times (thats 27 zeroes, by the way) and certain men have not stopped. So my idea is this: If I (and other like minded anti-cat callers) can’t convince you to stop doing it based on moral and ethical reasoning, I’ll try something else. My goal isn’t to prove why it has to stop, so much as to stop it. Thus, I ask again: Cat calling has never gotten anyone anything from a woman. Wouldn’t it make logical sense then to adjust our game plan?
As men, so many of our heroes are athletes and coaches. They are heroes because they were successful at their jobs. In many sports, there are often different ways to achieve the end goal: winning. If one way isn’t working, a coach goes into the locker room at half time and adjusts his game plan. ADJUSTS. Do you know who we criticize the most? Coaches unable to do that. Coaches who are seemingly banging their heads against a wall, using the same scheme over and over again, expecting different results. We fire those coaches. Christ, we have colloquially redefined the word “crazy” to mean anyone who has does the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So I ask again, why do we keep at this?
Have you seen TLC’s “Scrubs” get played at a bar? You know who knows all the words? EVERY GIRL IN THAT BAR. She don’t want no scrubs, i.e., a scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from her. Why? Because he is hanging out the side of his best friend’s ride (or even his own) trying to holla at her. They wrote about its futility in a pop song for us. What else do we need?
Isn’t the whole point meeting the girl? Aren’t we all hoping for a kiss, or a dance, or a romp? If I told you cat calling has a 0% (read that: zero percent) chance of reaping any type of beneficial result, would it not make sense to act like so many of the men we revere and change our approach?
There are so many superior approaches, too. It’s actually kind of easy, as there are so many certified jack asses out there that if you can prove within five seconds that you’re not a jack ass, you’re like 50 percent in the door. How about approaching a girl and saying “Hi, I’m Trey, and I think you’re striking. I was wondering if you’d like to get a drink?” I imagine that a lot will be happy to hear you say that you think they look stunning in that sun dress. They may turn you down for that drink, or that walk, but at least you’re giving yourself decent odds.
I know it’s ethically wrong to leer and harass women. I think there needs to be a major revamping in this country on how we teach young men to respect women. But if we’re talking cold hard facts, my bros, I’m saying this: You’re losing the big game. You only get one shot at life and you’re wasting it. You’re shooting zero percent from the field because you are the dumbest player out there if you’re using cat calls. Smarten up. Even asking her out through a Facebook wall post has better results… maybe a one percent chance, but still.
So give yourself a shot, champ. I want everyone to fall in love and be happy and that’s not going to happen to those of you whose only attempts to woo a lady are from a car slowly passing her by, or from a stoop, or on the corner. Do yourself a favor and make some half time adjustments. Otherwise, you’ve already lost.
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Home is a place that you’ll spend a lifetime wanting to leave until you do for the first time. Then returning and leaving again will feel impossible.
1. Never, ever, ever, ever over analyze someone’s message to you.
And then he was gone. He couldn’t handle the secret I had forced him to keep anymore.
2. Your middle school French teacher.