You Won The Breakup
You have even less body fat than you did when we dated, but I still have the belly that you loved to squeeze.
You have dated four different guys since we broke up and the few dates that I’ve been on materialized into nothing more than an expensive dinner.
Your whole sorority thinks you’re a wonderful person.
I kept all of your secrets.
When you graduated with a degree in psychology, you’d already secured a job recruiting for an IT company and my students always remind me that despite graduating with an education degree I’m just a sub.
I’m not sure about this, but I think you make more money than me.
You’re still pretty.
And I still think you’re gorgeous.
Your hair is blonde now.
My bald spot is just as noticeable as it used to be, if not more.
People I meet ask me, “Didn’t you used to go out with…” and then they tell me how much they love you.
I still think of you to get myself off sometimes.
My friends tell me every time they see you.
Your friends don’t talk to me anymore.
When I run into you and you’re drunk you can ask me why we don’t talk anymore but still ignore me when I send you texts.
I’m still writing about you and you haven’t read a word.
A | A | A
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.