September 29, 2016

57 Insanely Relatable Thoughts Every Woman Has On Her Way To The Office Bathroom

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What is the issue?

1. You’ve got this.

2. I hope no one notices my phone tucked discreetly under my arm, in case of poops.

3. I hope no one assumes I poop.

4. They wouldn’t assume I poop, I’m so quick.

5. Terry knows I poop. She’s always in the bathroom.

6. Terry probably poops, that’s why she’s always in the bathroom.

7. Is that Ted coming toward me?

8. Have I ever introduced myself? Does he know my name?

9. He’s giving me the tight smile of quasi-recognition.

10. He definitely doesn’t know my name.

11. Is Ted looking straight at me? That’s aggressive.

12. Where do I look?

13. Eyes up. I’m a queen, I’m a queen, I’m a queen.

14. Ted’s got a lot of nerve taking up all that eye space.

15. Is he challenging me to a duel?

16. I can do this. I once asked a guy for his number. I’m a feminist.

17. He gave me a fake number.

18. Rejection hurts. I can’t live through that again.

19. Is Ted seriously just going to look straight at me this whole time? There’s so much hallway left.

20. Look into his eyes, woman! For Judith Butler.

21. I can’t, there’s too much hallway left.

22. I’ll check out my…elbow…yeah, my elbow for a few seconds.

23. Does he believe I actually needed to check my elbow?

24. Of course he does, I’m an excellent actress.

25. I can feel him looking at me.

26. Make eye contact!

27. Nope, still too much time before we cross paths.

28. I should check my phone for “emails.”

29. My mom texted! Yes, I would like a windbreaker from the outlets!

30. Ted’s still looking up, unbothered. He’s a sociopath.

31. Maybe I should smile at him.

32. He nodded at me nonchalantly. He gave not one chalant.

33. I GET IT, TED, you’re confident! You can look away, you microaggressive turd.

34. It’s so quiet.

35. I’ll ask him how it’s going.

36. Oh fuck, it was too soon. He’s already responded and we still haven’t passed.

37. I’m so fucking embarrassed.

38. Am I sweating? Oh my God I’m sweating.

39. He’s going to see that I’m sweating.

40. He sees that I’m sweating.

41. He fucking hates me. Why else would he be torturing me with his gaze?


43. I need to abort this mission.

44. I’m just going to stand still.

45. You win, Ted! The hallway is all yours!

46. Fuck, but FEMINISM

47. Oh, I know.

48. Two can play at this game.

49. You may own the company, Ted, but these hallways are mine.

50. Yes, I dropped a tampon.

51. Where you looking, Ted?

52. Is that a sheen of sweat I see on your brow?

53. That’s right Ted, it’s a super. A super tampon. For a flow the likes of which you’ve never seen.

54. Oh Ted, that’s not even your office.

55. Did you just lock the door?

56. Such soft weeping, Ted. Like a kitten.

57. And that’s the way the patriarchy crumbles. TC mark

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