20 Unrealistic Things In Movies We’d Be Better Off Without
By Tony Baker
1. Two guys argue. Woman, looking exasperated, steps between them and says something to the effect of, “Okay, boys — stop comparing the size of your penises and let’s get down to business.”
2. Good Guy 1 wants to kill the Bad Guy. Good Guy 2 talks him down, saying “If you do that, you’ll be as bad as he is.”
3. “Just like that?” “Just like that.”
4. Character 1 stares moodily at approaching storm clouds. Character 2 says, moodily, “There’s a storm comin’.” Character 1 (moodily): “I know.”
5. These guys are really good friends. They must be gay!
6. Old guys who get infatuated with teenage girls are perverts, unless they’re Woody Allen. 200 year-old guys who get infatuated with teenage girls are dreamy (unless they’re Woody Allen).
7. Woman can’t resist the guy who’s bad for her (see above), or is otherwise used as a romantic pawn between two men.
8. Nerdy guy gets the girl, despite being unattractive and utterly lacking in self-confidence.
9. Nerdy girl becomes hot after taking off glasses and letting her hair down.
10. Fat people either don’t exist, or are evil.
11. Fat people eat constantly, are generally unkempt, and wear visibly food-stained clothing.
12. Fat guy in restaurant has seven plates arranged in front of him, all of which he plunders with gusto; thin folks seated across from him have only one plate, which they barely pick at.
13. Speaking of eating, the concept that nobody ever takes more than one or two bites of their meal in a movie.
14. Movie reference movie reference absurdly eloquent pop-culture-obsessed dialogue movie reference.
15. Male promiscuity is misogynistic. Female promiscuity is empowering.
16. Black people are streetwise, and never the main characters.
17. Latino, Middle Eastern, and Hindu people are interchangeable. And never the main characters.
18. “We don’t want Harry to hear what we’re talking about, so let’s walk five feet away and not lower our voices.”
19. Two guys struggle. A gun goes off. Long beat as they slowly back away from each other. One guy falls. (Check out the 90s mini-series Vanishing Son for a great twist on this one).
20. Zombies.