Thought Catalog
April 18, 2017

10 Little Ways To Ensure You’ll Get A Girlfriend And Absolutely Not Die Alone

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The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Are you a single guy?

Have you read tons of advice columns and just felt frustrated?

Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and failed and just wish someone, anyone, would give you some new ideas on meeting the girl of your dreams.

Well, you are in luck, because I am that guy and this is that article.

You must forget everything you’ve been told before and be ready to think outside the box.

Here is my present for all of you frustrated single guys out there — read carefully and apply to your next date and reap the rewards! You may not find the woman of your dreams, but you will have a whole lot more fun while dating.

1. Don’t Be Yourself!

As you are well aware, being yourself has got you nowhere, fast. Instead, adopt a new brash and brazen personality where you come across as the best man in the room by a country mile (same as a regular mile — I measured!). You must do this at all costs even if it means acting condescending or aggressive or subversive towards all other men you meet to make yourself look superior. Remember getting the girl should be seen as war and nobody remembers the losers. You must dominate and crush all other men. This charade will be next to impossible to maintain for the long term but by that time you will hopefully be well established as a couple and she will either love you for who you really are or realize she has no better options and won’t care.

2. The Real Way to Communicate

Women want to be heard and you must demonstrate that you have fully functional ears that you are willing and ready to use. She will be prepared for a guy who talks only about himself, but you are different. By no means should you talk about yourself at all on the first date and you should adamantly and firmly refuse to answer any questions or divulge any information. Pretend she works for the FBI and you aren’t going back to federal prison. Instead, repeat these statements as often and as necessary to keep the conversation going: “Tell me more about your day”, “I love listening to your voice,” and “When you move your mouth and speak words, it is lovely”. I also think first dates are a perfect time to rap and play around with a variety of accents, speech impediments, and controversial opinions. If she doesn’t run away screaming or threatening to sue, then you know she’s the one.

3. Look Desperate!

We’ve all heard that women can smell desperation a mile away and I’m like “They can? What are they bears? Please, oh please, make her not a bear, this time.” But, where others would advise you to not look desperate, I suggest going the other way entirely and aiming to come across as completely desperate as you possibly can down to your tone of voice and choice of sweaters. Don’t hold back as there must be some women out there somewhere in the world who go for the overly-and-depressingly-desperate look in a big way. Just don’t be sort of desperate as that is weak and it sends the signal that you can’t even do desperation well.

4. Confidence!

Even if you’ve been dumped or rejected countless times in a row (many for good, sound reasons) and you feel like a squished bug whom no one in their right mind would date, you must summon up confidence from somewhere inside you when on a date. Now, I know what you are thinking, but the answer isn’t drugs and alcohol or prescription medication, or at least that’s not the sole answer. Speaking as someone who doesn’t know you from a hole in the ground (dangerously nearsighted), as good an option as drugs, alcohol and prescription medication sound, they only lead to needing more and more and more of them overtime and that is expensive — think of your pocketbook and your health, but mostly your pocket book. If you don’t own a pocket book, buy one first, and then think about it. If confidence is hard for you, take some method acting courses, or think of having a body double who is confident stand in for you on the dates.

5. Avoid Silence!

Plan ahead by preparing some interesting topics to talk about to avoid awkward silences as prolonged awkward silences on the first few dates spell disaster unless you’ve mutually agreed to mime. If you aren’t quick witted or sharp on your feet, then you need to plan and prepare some material so you aren’t left floundering. I strongly suggest either completely plagiarizing whole speeches or comedic monologues that are easily accessible online or at least start by doing some Googling or Twittering and see what other humans are discussing these days so you seem topical and human — but, make sure to check the dates on the articles you read so you don’t talk about the rise of the Beatles or the moon landing — and don’t worry — you only need the headlines and then just do lots of nodding your head, saying “I agree” and “too true” and “you da woman” and laughing at her replies and you are set.

6. Drown Her With Compliments!

Girls love to be complimented. Scratch that, they are like hungry savage beasts who will tear you limb from limb if you don’t remind them how amazing they are at regularly scheduled intervals or they will leave or both. They want more and more compliments about everything from their hair to their manicure to their radical interpretation of rare communist texts. But you can’t be too obvious about your mission to be complimentary as it needs to appear genuine and honest. Remember, women are confusing and hate dishonesty. This is no joking manner. Your safety depends on it. So practice ahead of time on every woman you can. If you do this well, she’ll be eating out of your hands, literally perhaps.

7. Focus and Commitment!

When with her, NEVER take your eyes off her for a second. Focus completely on her and only her even if someone else is talking to you. There is also a stereotype out there that men shrink away from commitment. Well, you are going to prove to her that you are ready to be 100% committed to her for the rest of your life, and her life, in that order. So, once dating, you should extend this singular focus and drop absolutely everything else in your life that distracts you from this focus — work, hobbies, dentist appointments, bill payments, etc. I would even go as far as living in your car outside her place so you send the message that she is your sole focus in life, your top priority and that you will be there for her 24–7. It’s just common sense if you want to show her how much you care.

8. Getting to Know Her!

It sends a strong message to her that you are interested if you get to know her really well. Start with her likes and dislikes, favorite foods and books, and other obvious ways of showing you are into her. But, don’t stop there as that is where most guys would stop, and fail. Getting to know her should involve tailing her and her friends, hacking into her internet, visiting her place of work on her day off posing as her nosy, yet caring brother and digging through her garbage and recycling and dedicating a wall of your home to all the information you find. Yes, this seems extreme, but remember, it will either be something the two of you can jokingly tell your grandchildren about one day or become near infinite material for your therapy appointments.

9. Gifts!

Women love random, large presents when they are least expecting them and despite what people tell you, you can buy love. So, keeping that in mind, literally shower her with gifts. You heard me, shower. You want to stand out among all of the other suitors who are most likely cheap, penny-pinching losers, don’t you? Then, spend! And don’t reinvent the wheel — bad use of your time. So, why write your best attempt at a poem when you could buy her a huge stack of poetry books written by actual poets whom she might actually like? Why serenade her with a poorly sung song accompanied by your beginner level guitar playing when you could buy her a backstage ticket to her favorite band? Why take her on a far-from-romantic walk in the local nature reserve when nothing says I love you like an expensive and rare pet snake or tarantula. The message is spend, spend away big boy!

10. Calling Her Again!

So, you’ve gone on one date and it has gone well, in your mind at least, and you are excited to see her again. How long to wait till you call her again? I’m of the opinion that if it is meant to be, then you can’t really do anything within reason to screw it up and this includes calling her. Note — purposely torching her car or her apartment crosses the line and should be avoided if possible unless you are absolutely sure she is into that sort of thing, then torch away. There are no rules for love, no guidelines, no absolutes. If you just can’t wait to hear her lilting tones once more, pick up your phone, summon up your deepest, most manly voice and dial. Despite what “experts” may say, I say call and call again and keep calling because if, at some point, she gets annoyed or frustrated or calls the police, she wasn’t your soul mate. TC mark