Pitchfork Gets Me.

Dec. 28, 2012
I'm a student at William & Mary in Colonial Williamsburg. If you would like me to write something for you I'd ...

Pitchfork gets me.

Nothing Major is Pitchfork’s new visual culture website for those of us “into aesthetics.”

“As the name implies, Nothing Major doesn’t take itself too seriously — but that doesn’t mean we’re not serious.”

I am also a person who doesn’t take myself too seriously but am also serious.

I am a serious yet lovable/relatable person.

If Pitchfork gave me a rating I’m sure I would get at least an 8.6 and Best New Person.

I would text my parents telling them that I’ve made it with an emoji trophy or four.

I would tell them that I will probably be interviewed on the Today Show tomorrow or possibly the next day.

I think they would love me more if I was rated Best New Person.

They don’t know what Pitchfork is but that’s because they’re parents.

Pitchfork probably wouldn’t even give them a rating.

I still love my suburban parents of course but it’s not like I would buy their tshirt or Like them on Facebook.

I wouldn’t put my parents on at a party.

But I still love them.

They just took me out to lunch at Carrabba’s where the words “La Cucina” are proudly featured over the kitchen.

Italian music and indistinguishable girl-folk and alternative rock all play over the house speakers.

I don’t think the girl-folk/alternative rock bands are real because nobody can ever recognize them. I think they are like that band Sniffy Dog that made the fake version of Beach House’s “Take Care” for Volkswagen.

Pitchfork taught me about Sniffy Dog.

Sniffy Dog did not get Best New Music.

I feel like I should ask the waiter if I can put on Grimes.

I feel like my family and the family with the two small children next to us in the otherwise empty Carrabba’s would be happier if I put on Grimes.

I feel like Carles at Chile’s. This is so Carles. I am so Carles.

The Carrabba’s lunch ends up being disgusting but I feel terrible for thinking it is disgusting because Africa and parents buying everything. I wonder if Africa has Pitchfork. I wonder if I should be more grateful for my local suburban band or bands that are lame like Fun. I should be so lucky to have Fun. I should finish all of my Fun because there are people out there who do not have Fun.

The bill ended up being $65.

The main problem with Carrabba’s isn’t exactly that it’s shitty, it’s that it also is really expensive and clearly thinks highly of itself with the shrubs on the roof, generic Italian music, and the “La Cucina” over the kitchen.

I think about what would have been a better way for my family to spend $65.

I remember a tshirt being sold on Nothing Major entitled Kitsuné for Pitchfork Paris.

It is has a hand drawn picture of the Eiffel Tower.

Kitsuné is the rich and not suburban person’s Lacoste.

The tshirt is perfect and gets me and is only $60.

I think we should have skipped eating lunch today and bought this tshirt. Then we could have spent the holidays rotating the perfect tshirt around the whole family.

With the left over $5 we saved from not eating at Carrabba’s we could buy ebooks from Thought Catalog. Maybe one night I could wear the Kitsuné for Pitchfork Paris tshirt and read Thought Catalogue ebooks to my parents off of my mom’s new iPad.

Maybe then they’d see why they absolutely need to move to the city.

Maybe then they’d realize that they’re unhappy. TC mark

Todd Van Luling

Todd Van Luling

I’m a student at William & Mary in Colonial Williamsburg. If you would like me to write something for you I’d …

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