25 Kind-Of-Useless (But Hilariously True) Things I’ve Learned Since I Entered ‘Real’ Adulthood

Twenty-six is an age where adulthood really starts to set in – the adulthood you always heard about, but never really believed to be true. An adult thing like refinancing your student loans is now an actual thing you do on a Saturday morning. Some sort of planning goes into almost everything you do. More and more of your friends will have spouses and children, making meeting up on a Friday night nearly impossible without at least a week’s notice. It’s not all bad though, and chances are you’ve learned a lot. Here’s what I learned at age 26.   

1. A lot of going to bars is just pretending to hear conversations.

2. The problem with saying your relationship is like a roller coaster is the fact that someone will eventually want the ride to end.

3. I broke a pizza cutter with a lifetime guarantee on it, which means that I’ve had a lifetime of pizzas in just two short years.

4. Any Spin Doctors song that isn’t “Two Princes” is considered a deep cut from the Spin Doctors.

5. Facebook has allowed me to know way too much information about people I met at a party once in college.

6. Most of your job responsibilities at Subway are just taking off gloves and then putting them back on.

7. Local news stations are slotted for five hours worth of content every single morning. That is absolutely insane.

8. Chiropractic offices should have very uncomfortable waiting room chairs in order to heighten the relief.

9. The best seats at a concert are always second level, first row.

10. I’d be a lot more interested in having kids if I didn’t have to make them sound interesting all the time.

11. The trick of having a happy life is getting into a rhythm while staying out of a rut.

12. Never trust a dude who’s into snakes.

13. If I have a kid, the first pic I post is going to be someone else’s kid so I can read the heated debate on whether or not it looks more like its mom or dad.

14. Watching someone uncontrollably spill something is such an underrated joy.

15. The only time you don’t want to hear, “You had a good time last night” is from your coworkers the day after a work party.

16. If you refrigerate your crackers it cools down your soup faster.

17. I’m not sure what my friends are up to through Facebook anymore because I only see posts on what they already told me two years ago now.

18. Listening to dubstep on Pandora with a shotty Wi-Fi connection works because it just adds a few seconds of silence before the bass drops.

 

19. Paper should be way more expensive. I mean, it used to be a tree.

20. I think I’d be a good therapist because I give good advice that no one really listens to.

21. If you could get into airport bars without a plane ticket, I would go to airport bars all the time.

22. Funny how both the hardest working people and the least hard-working people spend the majority of their time at the city library.

23. A slice of bread lives a pretty miserable life. One by one you see family members disappear until you’re burned and eaten alive.

24. It’s hard to meet someone with similar interests as you when your interests are sitting on your couch and watching TV.

25. Learning how to perfect the noodle-to-sauce ratio on leftover spaghetti is one of the most useful skills you will ever have.