Why Didn’t You Eat The Peanut Butter Hot Dog?

Yo,

Seriously, why didn’t you eat the peanut butter hot dog? I cooked up for you! Could you not see the love and care that went into the preparation? I mean, that bun, oh my god that bun! Many a day have passed since I’ve seen such a perfectly toasted bun. I’m not just saying it because I did it but that bun had so an insane number of brown flavor crystals of toasted nirvana on it. And the hot dog, sure I admit I didn’t make it, but it was made by German Monks who invented the dish, and I’ve been assured it only contained meat from animals who are not just free range, but they also were fed off a vegan menu to ensure maximum liberty (and taste). Finally, oh sweet George Washington Carver, the peanut butter! Each peanut that was converted to the butter I used was inspected by multiple peanut butter savants and was also approved by Ernest M.O. Tep, the Peanut Butter Magistrate of Missouri.

But you didn’t eat it, did you?

Are you afraid to try new things? I mean it’s cool if you are, but honestly, it’s not really that cool, right? Highbrow scientists call it a “paradigm shift,” I call it “stop being a coward” and start living a little bit. Just think back to when you were a kid and you swore you’d never eat guacamole because it looked like moldy bird poop. Ha! You eat copious amount of guacamole now. The Peanut Butter Hot-Dog is no different, years from now you’ll look back, right before you bite into a fresh one and think about how your preconceived notions of food held you back both in culinary life and real life.

Ah, yes those notions, they were the same notions that once told us that cheese and pie would be a bad idea. Ha! Now that’s considered a delicacy! What about the classic celery masterpiece ants on a log, sounds crazy, but it’s the bomb.com. There’s a fine line between high-end foodies and stoned college kids looking for a thrill. I mean, I never would have discovered cream cheese and goldfish if I hadn’t improvised like the culinary survivalist I am. All fantastic food is born from mad culinary scientists. And that is the truth.

Did you think it was beneath you? You are the same person that sweated in line you for ramen burger, or am I thinking of someone else? Yes, I remember now, you are the “legend” who hired Ebenezer the homeless fellow to wait in the cronut line for you? Yes, a peanut butter hot-dog is beneath you indeed.

I’m getting ahead of myself, you didn’t eat the Peanut Butter Hot Dog because you resist change. It can be scary, but this isn’t that situation, this is a taste situation, come away from your fire and dine on this with me, I mean do I need to get started on the preparation again. I’m your friend and it’s ok to take a ride in the change-mobile and speed up a little bit, you can always get out if we’re cruising to fast.

If you didn’t eat it because of your allergies, well, then, I just don’t know what to tell you, I mean, I thought allergies went away after pre-school. Just kidding I’m sorry you can’t eat peanut butter. I assure you it isn’t really that good, at least you’re not allergic to pizza.

You know that hot dogs are delicious. Thanks to paleo prophets, gluten generals, and food forerunners you know bread is a forbidden fruit. And peanut butter is the truth. It’s a peanut butter hot dog and after all I made if for you.

So why didn’t you eat it?