Thought Catalog
December 12, 2016

An Open Letter To All The Boys I’ve Ever Dated

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You probably don’t want to hear what I’m going to say, and that’s fine. I won’t contact you on Facebook, WhatsApp, Wechat, Line, or whatever text messaging we used (unless you want me to). But there’s something I feel awfully guilty of.

No. I wasn’t seeing anyone else when I was dating you.

But I can totally see why you might think that, and I don’t blame you.
My frigid reaction to your flirty comments.
My upmost attention to my phone.
My resistance from holding your hand.
My limit on how much I could talk to you for a day.

These all probably led you to think that I had somebody else.

But I didn’t.

The heartbreaking truth was, I still had someone in my heart. One I couldn’t be with, but one I couldn’t stand alone without.

He was my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, my strongest motivator, my tears and my smile, my world of 9 1/2 years. He was also my first. Meaning that every feeling (happiness, embarrassment, pain) I had with him amplified.
And while he had to deal with divorced parents and drink away his health to gain more career opportunities, he made sure I was well taken care of.

If I got sick, he’d bring me soup.

If I got cold, he’d take his jacket off and wrap it around me.

If I felt sad, he’d crack some jokes to make me laugh.

But it wasn’t his sweet heart that made me fall more in love with him. It was the “click” that never faded away when we first met that did.

You know those moments when you talk on the phone for more than 4 hours and you still have a burning excitement to say more? Or when you unconsciously cut into the middle of each other’s sentences and finish it off?

Every day was like that for us.

And rarely did we fight too. If there was a heated argument, it’d be resolved within an hour. No punches. No cursing. No lingering hate. Just a one-on-one talk on how we can work things out.

Based on our interaction and well-matched personalities, I was sure we’d be the 1–2% high school sweethearts who still stick by each other, even after marriage.

But little did I know, people change — not just their hobbies and dreams, but their hearts too.

Because one day out of the blue, my ex proposed we see other people.

Tiffany, how would we know if we’re the “one” for each other if we’ve never given other people a chance? We should try dating — give it a year or so. If we both don’t find anyone who’s better, we’ll be back together, which most likely will be the case anyways. But if we do find someone better, then we should be happy for each other. Right?

I only want the best for you as you would want for me. Don’t you love me? And since we’re still in our 20s, this is the perfect test to see if we’re truly meant to be.

It didn’t make sense to me at first. Why did we need to see other people if we already loved each other? Wouldn’t the answer be in our heart?

I pleaded him countless times to change his mind. But no matter how much I cried and contested his absurd idea, he wouldn’t budge. His mind was set, and the only way I could stay within his heart was to open my heart to another.

Do you remember how awkwardly distant I was? How unpredictably close I came up to you from time to time?

That was me feeling torn apart between staying loyal with my ex and giving myself up to love another.

It’s a selfish thing (I know)…what I did to you. And I wished I never followed through with this insensitive scheme. Because not only did I lose myself and what I thought was my “one,” but I also wasted your time, your energy, your money, your feelings, your worth — all for the sake of my own learning experience.

No one deserves to be treated less than an option.

And I just wanted to say,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for giving you a half-assed excuse of “I’m not ready.”
I’m sorry for hiding the truth.
I’m sorry for hurting you.
I hope you can forgive me for my inexcusable act and lack of empathy.

I promise I won’t ever play with someone’s heart for my own gain again. And I promise to be a better person from here on.

Wish you the best in life,
Tiffany TC mark

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