A Depressed Person Answers Anonymous Questions On The Internet
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How did you ask your prom date to prom?
I did not go to the prom, as there would not have been any girls who would have said yes (besides an insane girl named Heather who took the science room hamsters home for undisclosed reasons) and my dad would not have bought me nice pants or a flower for my date, nor would he have driven me (I didn’t have a car, still don’t) to the location of the prom, nor did I have the social-sexual-emotional skills to see the night to its natural end without freaking out, not to mention that my dad would have resented me for experiencing a glimmer of happiness that he failed to crush, so I just bought a bag of Doritos cool ranch chips (or rather, begged my mom to drive me to Safeway and buy it) and watched MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball that night, dreaming of sucking on Lita Ford’s tits, and felt rather bad for myself, as I have ever since.
Should I go to grad school?
Yes you should, as you will meet many people with similar dispositions and cultural backgrounds i.e. the kinds of people your mom and dad would be happy if you married; and you’d be in the upper bracket of smart people, like the types of people with Matisse monographs on their coffee table and a modern square ottoman guests can’t lean back on, and you guys can talk about how you voted democrat or went to Paris one summer and use similar vocabulary and when the pecan pie comes out of the oven your beau in the kind-of-faggotish sweater can ingratiate himself towards your icy mother in his eternal PR kind of way.
Who should I lose my virginity to?
I’m assuming you’re between 14-22, most likely 15 or 16 with a question like that, unless you’re a late-bloomer and 19-22 (which is fine, relax). Anyway, I’d say, in order of most importance: somebody (a) without an STD and/or violent tendencies; (b) no more than +4 your age; (c) with whom you get along, perhaps even have feelings for; (d) preferably of the same gender (personally, I don’t care, but this world is ignorantly against people like that, sorry); (e) a generous and emphatic lover; and finally, (f) who lives within an hour of you, so you guys can continually do it on the weekends and sometimes for a lunch break “quicky” behind the 7-Eleven or Taco Bell, under the termite-ridden half-dead elm, a heavy tongue on your neck that hopefully isn’t a possum.
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You would have infinitives that you truly hold close to your heart and a couple of onomatopoeic mixtures of syllables that give music to your life. You would often be misunderstood, but you’d never be boring.
How terrible you used to be at holding your liquor, and the ridiculous combination of drinks you used to deem acceptable, such as Rikaloff and Hawaiian Punch served in a Nalgene.
Someone in your life (of yourself) douses their food with this bright-red hot sauce made from red chili peppers, vinegar, garlic, salt, sugar, amongst a couple of other ingredients. It’s hard-to-miss, really.
I’ve been publishing an erratic and off-kilter R. Kelly Quote-of-the-Day Newsletter to gear up for his Black Panties album. This is what I’ve been sharing with a small group of friends for the past month.