Husband Material, Volume 8: Michael Phelps
You’d essentially have to have lived under some enormous, wifi-less rock for the last four or five years to not know who Phelps is, but just in case you are really that uninformed about the pinnacle of human achievement and physical prowess that is the Olympic Games, let me inform you.
Michael Phelps is the guy who, in 2008, earned a record eight gold medals as a swimmer for the U.S. team, essentially restoring the interest in the sport itself that had lay dormant more-or-less since Mark Spitz’s moustache swam the English Channel or whatever happened in the 70s. (Okay, sources are telling me that he won seven golds himself during the ’72 Olympics, but as we all know, seven gold medals is a sick joke in the face of the majesty that is eight.) And yes, Phelps’ seventh medal was hotly contested, but that’s just because Eastern Europeans are notoriously bad losers and were just incredibly jealous of this perfect American man who is clearly made entirely out of shoulder muscles and success. For these reasons, and so many more — think of all the free Wheaties — he is perfect Olympic Husband Material.
Name: Michael Phelps
Occupation: Winner of medals, merman, owner of a back that looks like God himself winking at you, all-around decent human being.
Description: Just a humble Maryland boy at heart, he is the guy who went on to become the undeniable face of the Olympics here in the States. We were hanging on his every word, longing to find out what exactly led to his success — as though eating a new kind of protein bar would suddenly make us one of the best athletes in the world, lol. When he listened to Lil’ Wayne, we listened to Lil’ Wayne. When he was adorable with the children he worked with in his spare time (look it up and swoon), we… well, we probably helped a kid cross the street or something.
Benefits to Marriage: You will be married to the physically perfect human specimen, and as he seems to be a human being with friends, flaws, and a history of working — probably can rest assured that you’re not going to be with some cyborg who only cares about how many medals he can accrue, no matter at what cost it comes. Well, at least during off-time.
Drawbacks: Umm, you’re going to perpetually feel like Snorlax.
You Must Be: A good support system, not bothered by the smell of chlorine, ready to be a good cheerleader and unintimidated by all of the countless Tonya Harding-esque talentless rednecks lurking around corners with tire irons, ready to take your husband out.
The Dowry Michael Brings: The largest lake in the village (for laps, of course), a flock of the woolier sheep in the country, a 20-acre potato farm, and a lifetime supply of those little nose clips.
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Do not assign moral value to food items, on your own plate or anyone else’s. A mozzarella stick is a mozzarella stick, and nothing more.
Sriracha is a type of sauce that people have opinions about.
Avocados are supposed to make you pretty, I think. Healthy fats!
If you don’t have time to be a friend, say that. It’s better than pretending to be something you’re not.