Thought Catalog
August 30, 2012

5 Reasons Why Virginity Is A-OK

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What is the issue?

Because there’s more to love than sex anyway.

You can definitely have great sex without love, and loving sex whilst in love. But when it comes down to it, sex and love are two different things. And any couple who was really in love would tell you the same thing. It doesn’t include the way a smile finds its way onto your face when they look your way. It doesn’t include all their random texts messages, their good mornings and goodnights. It doesn’t include the way they hold you when you need a shoulder, the way they look at you when you’re talking, or telling a story, the way they hold you close at night when it’s cold. It doesn’t include that feeling of wanting to tell them everything that’s happened to you today, and their genuine interest in everything you saw and did, or the way they plant a kiss on your cheek when you aren’t paying attention, the way they smile at you when they think you can’t see, their little pinky reaching for yours. And at the end of the night, it doesn’t include the way they pull you into them and whisper that they love you just the way you are.

Because doing something just to fit in feels wrong.

Okay, so everyone’s talking about it, and rounds of ‘Never-Have-I-Ever’ have pretty much consisted of you sipping and saying, “I’m just thirsty.” But feeling like you’re missing out and doing it to ‘get it over with’ is never a good idea. I mean honestly, just because all my friends have gotten Tumblr doesn’t mean I’m going to get it. I think it’s confusing and probably addictive and distracting and will make my life richer but certainly more complicated and at the end of the day — I’m just not interested. And that’s okay. You don’t see anyone forcing Tumblr on me, and more importantly, you don’t see me on it. This is because there’s nothing wrong with Tumblr, and there’s nothing wrong with sex. It just isn’t my cup of tea. And that’s fine. In fact, no one wants to hear that I’m not on Tumblr, because why should anyone care? Nobody needs me to be on it, just like nobody needs you to have sex. (Unless someone told you that you need to have sex with them, in which case that is a red flag and you should drop them like a bad transmission.)

Because sex doesn’t cure everything.

I am high-strung. Everyone who knows me says it, and they’re completely right. When I told my parents I was in a relationship, one of the first things my mom asked was whether or not they calm me down. But people have this notion that sex is this cure-all pill that’ll bring down your stress level, chill you out. Always talking about how relationships are stupid and sex is overrated? Well, do it and you’ll change your mind! No, my friend. I’m not saying that sex doesn’t calm you down. I’m not saying that sex doesn’t wipe your mind. I’m saying that there are other things which do that, too. Take a walk, for example. Make a new friend. Take up yoga. Grab a bite to eat. Continue living your life. Who says the human body absolutely needs sex in order to survive? Nobody. And if they’re telling you that you do, they’re lying. You need to take care of your stress level, yes, absolutely. But you do not have an itch that only sex can reach.

Because it’s better when it means something.

Sex isn’t just the simple act of penis in vagina, as we all know, both because of non-heteronormative couples, and because Cosmo’s taught us to be more open-minded than that. If you’re reading this, and even if you’re not, I hope you know that I want you to have good sex. I only want you to have good sex, for the rest of your life. And good sex I don’t define by orgasm. Good sex I define by the wafting curtains kind of sex that everyone deserves and the world would be so much better off with. Good sex entails that exchange of trust and honesty that only certain couples have. If you aren’t comfortable with something, if it’s moving too fast, if they’re not hitting the right spot, if you want it this way, if you want it faster or harder, you can say it, and they’ll listen. And more importantly, that you’re deriving pleasure from their pleasure. Good sex is an exchange of respect, because let’s be honest, there’s nothing sexier than considerate people who want our bodies to feel good, and are ready and willing to show us. Or if you’re into kink, good sex means having a safety word and then feeling adventurous, trusted, and trusting that you can go all out on your desires and not feel judged or shameful. So hey, guess what? It’s more than okay to wait for only this kind of sex. In fact, I want you to wait for this kind of sex. There’s no need to practice, because this kind of sex doesn’t care how much experience you’ve had.

Because there’s no rush.

And this one is for those who want it but can’t seem to find it. Don’t be in such a rush to have sex — what sort of wonders do you think are awaiting you? Do you have only a limited amount of time to have sex before you spontaneously combust and can no longer feel anything below the waist? Just because you can’t find anyone who doesn’t want to have sex with you today doesn’t mean you’re unsexy, you’re undesirable, you’re unlovable, you’re this or that. It means you haven’t found anybody who wants to have sex with you yet. And is that really such a horrible thing? Since when did sex become the currency by which we value our bodies, our souls? Does the amount of sex someone has had define how they treat the elderly, how much time they spend with their parents, how quickly they’ll rise to defend their friends, how many people would rush them to a hospital and stay by their side, or how many books they read, how many places they’ve traveled to, how many languages they speak, how creative or bright they are, how funny or kind or open-minded? No. So please stop focusing on how much sex you haven’t had yet, how desirable you are or aren’t, and keep an open mind to the world. There is so much more to you as a person than whether or not people want to get into your pants, and the sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be. TC mark

image – Zoe