Thought Catalog
March 20, 2017

I Won’t Come Back To You Again

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Larm Rmah

There was a time when I had successfully convinced myself that I was no longer in love with you. I remember smiling at the realization that after years of loving you in the shadows, I had finally stepped into the light free of my love for you.

There were fleeting moments when that brand-new resolve was threatened. I fought hard to raise the barriers, working hard to delude myself into believing that I had forgotten about you. And it worked. Well, sort of.

Fate has a nasty sense of humor. It wants you to build a bubble around yourself, and just when you feel like you’re safe, it bursts that bubble with a painful moment of clarity.

There was this time when you and I had not seen each other in a while. And I was so giddy with relief that it pained me no longer. But then you asked if you could drop by and say hello. I was so complacent that I said yes.

I remember looking up to find you leaning against the wall merely a few meters from me, your head bent over your mobile phone as you tapped away, your eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

And there I stood, transfixed, as the realization that I was still in love with you washed over me for the umpteenth time.

I berated myself silently, dismissing the realization as I tried to reinforce my then brand-new resolve as it threatened to dissipate into nothingness.

But as an internal tug-of-war ensued, you looked up. With your eyes on mine, your lips gave way to a slow smile. And with a startling familiarity, it tugged at my heart. And at that exact moment, the internal war inside of me came to a halt as I realized that the fight was for nothing. There was no point in denying that after everything, my heart still belonged to you, and you alone.

Believe me when I say that it is not for lack of effort that I remain rooted to the spot, unable to move on from my loving you. I have put myself out there for so many times, trying to defeat the impossibility of moving on. Rather, it is despite these efforts that I remain moored in place by an enormous, immovable anchor that is my love for you.

I keep trying to find a way to redirect my heart to someone who could love me as wholly as I love you.

There are times when I thought that I have actually succeeded. But every single time, I get these moments of clarity when I am pulled back to the reality that it is always going to be you. No matter how hard I try, I still go back to you.

And whereas it is freeing to be so sure of something in this world full of uncertainty, it is a huge encumbrance to be stuck loving someone who will never love you.

I know that there will probably come a time when I could free myself from being anchored to this tragic one-sided love story. That I could finally walk free, and find someone who would be brave enough to take a risk. That I would have someone who would make me understand why I had to go through all the pain, and heartbreak. And that it will all be worth it.

So yes, for now, you are still the one that I go back to. For now, it is still you. For now, I’ll be the perfect picture of Neruda’s sonnet of loving you “ certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”

But there will come a day when I’ll truly be free of you.

There will come a day when I will find myself rooted to the spot once again, but this time, with someone who will actually choose to stay, and love me for me. TC mark