1. Speed 3: Booze Control
- It’s Speed on a party bus. Sandra Bullock’s driving all hammered and Keanu’s like, “Woahhhh…”
2. Two Hours of Michael Bay playing with action figures in his sandbox
3. Dunston Checks Into Rehab
4. The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: Special Victims Unit
5. The Expendables: The Musical!
6. Woody Allen’s 90 Minute Bikram Yoga Bootie Burn
7. A Sister, Sister reboot starring Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg
8. Wes Anderson’s Unbearably Precious Ninja Turtles
9. The Passion of the Little Rascals
- In Aramaic and Latin with subtitles, NC-17.
10. Shia LeBeowulf
11. Alien v. Predator v. Roe v. Wade
12. 90 Minutes Alone with Seth MacFarlane
13. David O. Russell’s Inexplicably Manic Ninja Turtles
14. Four Score and Seven Years at Bernie’s
15. Where’s Waldo’s Prostate?
- A surprisingly graphic educational health film.
16. Dennis the Menace Goes to Juvie
17. MTV’s Teenage Pregnant Ninja Turtles
18. Drunk History: Starring Mel Gibson
19. The Avengers Battle The Human Centipede!
20. Driving Miss Daisy: Re-released in 3D!
21. Terrence Malick’s Existentially Ponderous Ninja Turtles
22. My Dinner with Andre the Giant
23. America’s Funniest Homebirth Videos
24. Stop! Or My Mom Will Develop Osteoporosis
- A Face/Off remake with one significant alteration. Still starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, obviously.
26. Joe Camel Saves Christmas
27. Mrs. Doubtfire’s Autopsy
28. David Lynch’s Profoundly Disturbing Ninja Turtles
29. Honey, I Catfished the Kids
30. Soulless Nostalgia: The Movie!