If Michael Jackson Had Facebook
By Ted Pillow
Phil Collins: Can you teach me how to moonwalk???
Like. Comment. 22 minutes ago
Michael Jackson: lol
Michael Jackson: nah
Rick James has invited Michael Jackson to play “Mafia Wars.”
Vincent Price: And though you fight to stay alive/Your body starts to shiver/For no mere mortal can resist/The evil of the thriller
11 people like this. Comment. about an hour ago
Michael Jackson: If you call me up in the middle of the night and laugh demonically into the phone one more time, I’m filing a restraining order.
Vincent Price: I’m lonely.
Paula Abdul: It was so great getting to meet u last night Michael! Ur so cool! You’ve always been my idolllll! jw what do u think is the best song you ever made?
4 people like this. Comment. 47 minutes ago
Michael Jackson: “Man in the Mirror.” Now chill.
David Lee Roth: WHEn a pretty girl’s walking up the eskaltor and you can’t heLp but yell out “OOOHeee wawaa waaw waw! Hey there mamma wanna kickstart my engine?” she’s got u revved up, but make sure you keep one hand on the wheel and one on the stick, BABY!
Michael Jackson liked this. Comment. 2 hours ago
Prince: My sexuality is a cipher, a continually evolving enigma. The only constant is a steadfast desire to push the boundaries between pleasure and pain, beautiful and obscene. The gender expectations placed upon men and women are of no interest to me. I choose only to fuck.
16 people like this. Comment. 4 hours ago
Michael Jackson: Yeah, girls have cooties though.
Michael Jackson: jk (maybe)
Michael Jackson: Man, recording a new album is stressful! Sometimes I just need to take a really long bubble bath with my chimpanzee “Bubbles” while my butler reads “Harold and the Purple Crayon” to me over and over
13 people like this. Comment. 4 hours ago
Huey Lewis: wtf
Tito Jackson: He’s not kidding, folks – not at all.
Hall & Oates: michael, that’s like the gayest thing we’ve ever heard LOL
Michael Jackson: Says the guys using a joint Facebook account. Pot, meet kettle. I don’t hate on you guys for spending your free-time waxing John’s moustache.
Michael Jackson: Yeah, I like playing jump rope. I’ve seen The Wizard of Oz like 2,000 times. And I’ve got a race-car bed. I ALSO LIVE AT A PLACE CALLED NEVERLAND RANCH, SO OBVIOUSLY I GOT SOME SHIT I’M WORKING THRU RIGHT NOW CHA’MONNNNN
3 people like this. Comment. 2 hours ago
Michael Jackson changed his profile picture.
Like. Comment. 43 minutes ago
Janet Jackson: MICHAEL! My god, what have you done to yourself??? You’re a black man, not a white woman… :(
George Michael: Seriously Michael? Good God. What’d you do to your freaking nose? You look like Demi Moore melted.
The Crypt Keeper: lmfao dude
Michael Jackson: Where’s my boy Culkin at? He’ll tell all y’all to shut the hell up!
Macaulay Culkin: STFU FOOLS
Michael Jackson: Be easy, Culkin.
Rick James has invited Michael Jackson to play “Pot Farm.”
Michael Jackson is in a relationship with Lisa Marie Presley.
9 people like this. Comment. about an hour ago
Michael Bolton: Really, Elvis Presley’s daughter? Wow, seems totally authentic. Yupp, definitely not contrived at all.
Michael Jackson: Suck it, you assclown. You make Bryan Adams look like Bob Dylan.
Eddie Murphy: Hey Michael, wanna be in my new movie “OMG DAD”? I play a speech writer for the President who happens to also be a single father. Unfortunately, his job is so demanding that he never has time for his lonely daughter. That is, until he gets struck by lightning while texting her – from that moment on, he can only say things that have been texted to him by his daughter! They’ll have to work together to get the President re-elected! You can play my daughter or the first lady or something, we’ll figure it out. It’ll be gold – just like the “Remember the Time” video!
Like. Comment. 3 hours ago
Michael Jackson: I asked my agent if I could be in it and he threatened to kidnap me and hide me in a safe room until you stopped making movies.
Eddie Murphy: It’s all good! I’m so f’n rich!
Michael Jackson likes “Rhythm and Blues.” Like this page.
Michael Jackson likes “Amusement Parks.” Like this page.
Michael Jackson likes “sleepovers.” Like this page.
Lionel Richie: Dude, you know other ppl can see what you like, right?
Michael Jackson: Gee whiz, there sure isn’t anything better than the sight of a lady’s breasts. I just wanted to share that thought with you in a spontaneous act of whimsy which certainly wasn’t vehemently encouraged by my legal defense team. I also enjoy both the external and internal components of the “vagina.”
Jon Bon Jovi likes this. Comment. 4 minutes ago
Jon Bon Jovi: Haha this is so awesome. Why is vagina in quotes?
Rick James has invited Michael Jackson to the event “All Night Cocaine Orgy.”
Michael Jackson: Please get help, Rick.
Rick James: The inside of my mouth is sweaty.
Michael Jackson: Man, ppl can’t stop hating on me even though I’m dead. FYI I was only like the greatest entertainer of all times, never mind the fact that I donated millions upon millions to charity and always preached positive messages of love and compassion
Like. Comment. 3 hours ago
America: Yeah, but we’re pretty sure you molested kids.
Michael Jackson: They never proved that! That kid said I was circumcised and it is public knowledge that the King of Pop didn’t have a mushroom tip
America: (vomiting in mouth)
Michael Jackson: Look, I had a ridiculously traumatic childhood. Pretty much everything I ever did was some thinly veiled attempt to cope with the severe emotional and psychical abuse i endured. I spent my entire life fixated on living out an innocent, happy childhood
Ted Pillow: Shouldn’t I get any say in this? I’m the author of this thing, after all. Like, I’ve written this entire 3-way conversation.
Michael Jackson: stay out of this you self-indulgent hack. It’s meta enough as it is. What do you think this is, a Kurt Vonnegut book?
America: Look Michael, we still love you in some obsessive, deranged way. In fact, all your flaws only make you a more compelling figure. Let’s just admit this thing’s pretty complicated.
Michael Jackson: Cha’mon.
America and Michael Jackson have changed their relationship from “Separated” to “It’s Complicated.”
22 people likes this. Comment. 12 minutes ago
Epic music + gorgeous video + awesome boots = this.
Not sure which is worse, having a boyfriend who cheats or a boyfriend who systematically plots to slaughter all my witch friends.
By Shawn Binder
Underwear Man stood in the front yard of my friend Dean’s house everyday at 1:45 in the morning for six weeks.
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.