Reality Show Plots As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis
Jesus Christ himself makes his triumphant return to our Earthly realm on this week’s Idol, choosing the program’s themed “80s Night” as the site of his Second Coming. Although he performs a rousing rendition of Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon,” he gets voted off the following night. “Sorry dawg, it was a little pitchy,” explains an apologetic Randy. Jesus takes it in stride, but can be heard muttering, “Well, forget you guys, you’re on your own now…” as he ascends back to Heaven.
An elderly contestant dies during a particularly heated immunity challenge. His tribe members unanimously attempt to vote him off during the next tribal council, but they can’t write his name down because no one remembers it. “Perhaps death is the greatest immunity idol of all…” whispers an unusually cryptic Jeff Probst, who has begun to suspect that all of the players are just figures of his imagination, anyway.
The Real World
The cast struggles to balance their nightly partying with the demands of running a novelty calendar boutique in a local shopping mall. Also, they begin to grow concerned that their entire realities have been scripted by an underpaid MTV intern.
Confusion abounds when the bachelor admits that he is not, in fact, a living person, but an abstract conglomeration of traits romanticized by a patriarchal society. Making the best of a bad situation, Amber gives him a hand job in the hot tub after a pleasant dinner at Red Lobster.
The Biggest Loser
One contestant loses over 35 lbs. this week. “You’re like a brand new person!” exclaims his friends and family. But they mean it literally; he is no longer the person they once knew and loved. “We’re sorry, but we’ve decided to move on with their lives,” they explain. Local police confiscate his old ID and immediately arrest him for vagrancy. He is unable to make his $75 bail and dies in prison.
Tonight’s Hoarders centers on Debra Walters, a woman with absolutely no possessions, but untold accumulations of emotional and psychological garbage. “This is a real sh-thole,” notes professional cleaner Cory Chalmers, while wandering around her littered psyche. “We’re going to need bigger Dumpsters.”
Donald Trump flashes his signature prowess and decisive management in the board room, firing David Spade for his inability to properly lead his team to victory during the Dippin’ Dots concession stand challenge. During his chauffeured limousine ride home, Trump feels confident that no one could possibly suspect that his entire life has been one sustained panic attack, that he is a complete and utter fraud, and that “the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.”
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”