5 Types Of Single Ladies
The Single “As F*ck” Lady
You’re so single right now that if some mysterious benefactor dropped two box seats to a Giants playoff game into your lap, you could not think of a single guy (not related to you) who would join you. You RSVP stag to all events that invite you with a plus one, because there is literally no one in your graveyard of a contact list that you’d even consider putting up with for a few hours just to save some face. You can’t remember the last time you went on a second date. Your sex life is a disappointing series of one night stands followed by weeks of dry spells. You’re seriously thinking about accepting that date with your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s frat buddy from college that she so graciously keeps offering to you.
The “Consistently Getting Laid” Single Lady
You’re not about to introduce this guy to your friends or let him meet your mother, but at least you’re getting laid on a semi-consistent basis. Sure, he snores in your ear, refers to you as “bro,” and hates your cat (to be fair, the feeling is mutual). But he’s always available and the sex is okay — he doesn’t ask to come on your face or put it in your ear or anything. Plus, he’s kind of cute when he’s asleep… actually, you like him best when he’s unconscious.
The Single “But Dating Lots Of People” Lady
You’ve got your eggs in more baskets than the Easter Bunny. You’re stoked about your second date with that accountant you met at karaoke, that upcoming dinner with the architect your friend from college introduced you, that so-called “catch-up session” with an old flame who just moved back to the city… and the list goes on. If any one of your stocks crashes, you’ve got your investments spread all around.
The “Third Date” Single Lady
You’re single for all intents and purposes, but you’ve actually made it to date number three with a guy that you’re extremely attracted to and have an awesome time with. Your face is harboring that “I might be getting laid soon” glow that even JWoww’s bronzer can’t imitate. There’s more bounce in your step — you smile at strangers and start to think that babies are cute again. You have trouble answering your date’s simple questions, such as, “What are you going to order?” because you’re too busy thinking about how much you like his face… and how much longer you’ll possibly be able to hold out.
The “Facebook Status” Single Lady
Your Facebook status still reads single, but for the sake of anyone trying to score with you, you’re pretty much off the market. Even if you do give your number to that guy at the bar, you know you won’t be responding to him when he tries to get in touch. Unless a man made out of Ryan Gosling’s abs, Chace Crawford’s face, and Prince Harry’s social standing asks you out, you’re not interested.
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Every time you try to take a “going out” selfie, one of you looks completely busted and you have to redo it again.
Kanye has a knack for making us feel a tad uncomfortable. And it’s not dissimilar to a discomfort that runs rampant in many of Shakespeare’s plays: that of the un-family.
I’ve caught two teenagers fucking inside the theater for ‘The Crazies.’ Sort of poetic, really.
Regularly discussing all the things they want to do before they get with someone, such as travel or write a novel, because — as we all know — the freedom to enjoy oneself and explore life withers and dies the second you change that Facebook profile to “In A Relationship.”