11 Dream Jobs Interns Secretly Aspire To While Fetching Coffee

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1. Dream Job: Magician/Sorcerer

(Reality: Interior Design Intern)

“I genuinely dream about being a magician. But a magician who uses straight magic, not ‘tricks,’ like fuck that shit. So I guess I actually want to be a sorcerer.”

— Violet, 21

2. Dream Job: Stripper

(Reality: Investment Banking Intern)

“I just wanna be a stripper, man. My friends always tell me I’d make an unreal exotic dancer, and I fully agree. I literally live for the attention I get whilst shaking my ass like fucking Shakira, and if I could make money off that shit without getting disinherited, I fully would.”

— Penelope, 21

3. Dream Job: Monica Lewinsky

(Reality: Intern on The Hill)

“Truthfully, I just want to fuck the president. Like, I know Monica Lewinky’s life fell apart post-Clinton, but I’m so down for it. I want to fuck the president and then publish a scandalous tell-all book and die rich and (in)famous, and all just for giving some head.”

— Remi, 22

4. Dream Job: Caretaker To Cute Old Woman

(Reality: Public Relations Intern)

“I want to be a caretaker to a really fucking cute dying old woman. Like I want to be her everything before she dies because I help her organize her shit and I make her laugh and, ideally, she doesn’t have a good relationship with her kids, so I’m there to fill the void, you know? And we’re best friends and we smoke weed and drink and sing together until she dies.”

— Akia, 19

5. Dream Job: Mexican Drug Lord’s Wife

(Reality: Marketing Intern)

“I would transition in a heartbeat if I could be a Mexican drug lord’s wife. I generally dream about being a mob wife (not a mobster because I want all the glamour and glory and danger and fur without having to get any blood on my hands), but I’ve decided I definitely want to be a Mexican drug lord’s wife specifically because the Mexican cartels are way more glam than the Italians, you know? And you can just tell that nobody has fun in the Russian mob.”

— Lucas, 22

6. Dream Job: Chic Farmer

(Reality: Real Estate Intern)

“I have zero farming knowledge, but I desperately want to operate my own farm. Not like a granola farm, obvi. Like a chic farm. (Can farming ever be chic? #idk.)”

— Owen, 21

7. Dream Job: Ina Garten

(Reality: Legal Intern)

“Whenever I’m alone in my kitchen, I pretend I’m on a cooking show and like…describe what I’m doing to a non-existent audience/camera. My dream, you see, is to be Ina Garten.”

— Angelo, 20

8. Dream Job: Soft Rock/Soul/Funk Singer

(Reality: Web Design Intern)

“I want to be a low-key famous singer. Like a singer that’s not too famous but wins a few Grammys here and there and is well-respected throughout *the music world.* Not a pop singer…like soft rock or soul or funk. I should probably mention that I have a uniquely horrifying singing voice.”

— Cory, 18

9. Dream Job: Hot Witch

(Reality: Social Media Intern)

“I have this crippling paranoia that somebody’s always trying to poison me cuz I’m psycho, so I’ve always dreamt about being a witch so I could cast mad spells and poison anyone who tries to fuck with me. And like control them with my eyes/be a hot witch from Charmed, like a Rose McGowan type.”

— Belle, 22

10. Dream Job: Animal Researcher (Or Spy)

(Reality: Art Gallery Intern)

“I’m shit at science, but I’ve always wanted to be like, a dedicated researcher of one particular animal species and spend my entire life studying said species and foregoing human relationships because I’m so invested in my craft/life’s work. Either that or a spy, obviously.”

— Robyn, 21

11. Dream Job: Jetsetter

(Reality: Government Consulting Intern)

“I wanna stay on my government grind, but like I always want to be that bad, jetsetting bitch in the office who’s always dressed to the fucking NINES and taking months-long vacations and nobody knows how I do it or asks any questions.”

— Frederica, 19