Track-by-Track Review of Neon Indian’s Psychic Chasms
Seems like this album was secretly created by a team of penises in 2074 and that they somehow accidentally created a time machine within the album, causing the album to exist in 2009, when penises hadn’t yet developed the ability to communicate and therefore couldn’t claim these songs as their own.
Sounds like a penis peeing “pretty fast” then “so fast” and powerfully that it exits the penis as multiple laser beams. Then the penis “just disappears.”
2. DEADBEAT SUMMER
Sounds like my penis is 12-inches-long.
3. LAUGHING GAS
Sounds like my penis is 3-feet-long and “won’t stop swinging back and forth.”
4. TERMINALLY CHILL
Sounds like my penis is 2-inches-long.
5. (IF I KNEW, I’D TELL YOU)
Sounds like a penis that “seems ‘laid-back’” but is actually very secretive, to the point of paranoia, about most aspects of its personal life and all aspects of its financial situation.
6. 6669 (I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW)
Sounds like my penis is 30-feet-long.
7. SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ACID WITH YOU
Sounds like I cut off my penis so recently that my brain isn’t aware of anything anomalous. It is as if [moment immediately after my penis has been severed] has been extracted, put into a culture, grown like a yeast into a song.
8. MIND, DRIPS
Sounds like what most penises hear when they’re in the process of becoming erect.
9. PSYCHIC CHASMS
Sounds like my penis is made from the most sought-after metal that exists in a fantasy-themed RPG that will be released in 2016 for multiple platforms. An interesting attribute of the metal is that it “sharpens itself” continually.
10. LOCAL JOKE
Sounds like my penis has been secretly working on this song the last 3-5 years. Seems like I’ll be awoken one night by this song coming out of my penis. I’ll “listen patiently” with my eyes open in darkness then close my eyes and focus on sleep without thinking anything. A few weeks later, sitting on a bench in a park, my penis will meekly tell me it felt sad that I wasn’t more interested in its song. I won’t know what my penis is referring to at all. I’ll stare into the distance feeling calmly uncertain about how to respond. Eventually I’ll notice that an amount of time has passed where I haven’t thought anything specific.
11. EPHEMERAL ARTERY
Sounds like my penis experienced a complete mental, physical, spiritual breakdown that miraculously expressed itself as this song, garnering my penis international fame, even in the difficult South Korean market. But since it lost the ability to perceive reality in a non-arbitrary manner and is currently in a psychiatric hospital it’s unable to enjoy its new status in society.
12. 7000 (REPRISE)
Sounds like a song that once a year, every year, starting next year, will be used in the end credits of a “half-assed” short film by an NYU film-student that owns a dog named “penis.”
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”