November 20, 2016

This Is How It Feels To Miss You Now That You’re Gone

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Tamara Bellis
Tamara Bellis

It has been years since we stopped happening, but there are days where it just doesn’t get any easier. I could live without the thought of you for hours, weeks, months. But all it takes is a whisper of your name, a familiar scent, a tune deeply etched in my heart. Our song.

And now.

Mine.

It doesn’t take much for me to remember that with you, I felt strong, safe, loved.

I felt like I belong. You were my second home, a place to come back to after a draining week, you were my source of happiness, an endless flowing tap. You were a constant amidst the entropy, the unpredictability, the hustle and bustle of life. I just never expected you to contribute to its chaos.

11 pm. Occupied by the thoughts of what we could be. Still. Here I am, 3 years later, wondering what went wrong. Here I am, thinking if there was anything I could have done different. Here I am, wishing, that I was in your place. But there you are.

You’ve moved on. I’ve seen pictures of your happiness and I apologise. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to remain friends. I couldn’t risk having you on my feed. I was a walking time bomb, waiting to explode inside with every image of you and him. But you are there.

And I’m still here.

12am. There are many stories of heartbreak and love out there, just like mine. There are people who are broken inside, looking for a fix in dark places. I remember I had a light in me that I’d carry around, spreading it to the people around me. The darkness could never consume me. Or so I thought.

I felt strong. With you, there was always something to look forward to. You were at the back of my head with every challenge thrown at me. You were the light that guided my path, a stepping stone to every brick wall. Eventually, my duty to the country and obligations to the military complicated things. My path grew darker, walls built higher. And just when I needed you most, you left.

But the darkness didn’t.

1am. I gave you things. Cards I’d written, your birthday present (do you still wear it around?), food? But there are some things that you can never return, I don’t really think about these things anymore, but I do feel them. I feel emptiness in places where you once gave warmth, I remember the great memories that we shared together. Without you, I can’t get them back.

I felt safe. I brought you to my parents and we celebrated your birthday together. Would our family be like mine? What about our kids? You even came up with his/her names. My future was secure with you then. I couldn’t think of anyone else.

I guess I still can’t.

2am. You once told me that we couldn’t be officially together because you weren’t ready. What does being ready really mean? It’s just a phrase being thrown around to avoid commitment. You said yes, but not now, you need time. I never did understand what that meant, in fact I couldn’t eat right for days when I found out you got together with another guy because you decided to give it a try. You had a choice and in the end that choice wasn’t me.
I chose you from the start though.

I felt loved. You travelled to my place when I wasn’t feeling well even if it was an hour journey to your next destination. I was blessed, graced with new experiences that wouldn’t have been possible without you.

3am. Struggles, pain, darkness. I wasn’t warned that they could become your friends. Needless to say, when you decided that I wasn’t good enough, I became acquainted. You have moved on and so should they. But they never left. I guess in some way, you never really left too. TC mark

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