A Letter To My Panic Attack: I’m Stronger Than You

Dear Panic Attack,

You have been with me since 21, I am 26 now, and what I have been feeling for the past 5 years is something that I have always feared. I have always been fearful of you coming back to take over me. There is a sharp pain in my heart, and it ebbs and flows through my veins. The numbness in my heart has finally been lifted, little by little, but it is ok.

My breathing difficulties were an added cursed bonus for the longest time and this is something that I might have to live with and I do not know when I can curb it. You make my brain go into overdrive, as there are 2 people arguing in my mind, fighting to win this mental warfare. When both sides refuse to surrender, I break down, letting the emotions get to me. Gasping for air, I try my best to control my thoughts. Both fight and fight, but when one decides to give in, I am in bad shape.

The stomach clenches and shivering, usually happening in the middle of the night, I hate it. But for the sake of recovery and a renewed me, I will force myself to stop when I envision God in my mind.

Honestly, I have been feeling this way since 12, and whenever you get depressed, it pains me to have negative thoughts in my head. The recurring nightmares, the cold sweat, is suffocating me and I wish you can put a stop to this.

When I told the psychiatrist all my worries, it felt as though, I was telling God my worries. It gave me comfort to know that God has given me a chance to redeem myself. God said, “Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done” and it means so much to me. My soul feels as if I have developed wings, to unleash into flight after being trapped in a cage, hurt and wounded.

I do not know how bad it will be, and how long therapy will take, but I am willing to go through the hardship and pain in order to be well again. I really want to look at people properly, without any ill intentions. I will take this opportunity to let go totally of you and really do something for myself.

I will start over.

I will take chances.

I will listen.

I will learn.

I will grow.

I will be strong.

I will have faith.

I will seek hope.

I will be compassionate.

I will understand.

I will trust.

I will love.

I will be unconquerable.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4.