The second-to-last time I saw Darnelle I was going to buy a large quantity of weed from one of his connects because mine was out of town and he set me up to get robbed. The last time I saw him he gave me ~200 Xanax (~1/4th the value of the money he stole from me) and apologized.

Are the holidays stressing you out? Do you feel that? There in your gut… no, a little to the left. Yep, there in your gut is the guilt of doing absolutely nothing remarkable in the last 12 months since you’ve seen the calamity you call relatives.

He looked like a stylishly gay and possibly homeless Santa Claus. He told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, and that the wine glass he waved around while he talked was full of Pepsi.