On Tuesday, the internet just about shut down when it was finally confirmed that Britney Spears will be a judge on this coming season of X Factor. Not only that, but she will be joined by record executive LA Reid and the wildcard last minute addition, singer Demi Lovato. At first, I thought the whole thing was a tragic MESS. Given both of the pop stars’ recent personal histories, it felt like the pairing was a train that was bound to derail and that was just too good to be true. But now I find myself changing my tune.

If you’ve kept a close eye on the fan sites (which I’m sure you have), then you’ll know that the Britney/X Factor rumors had been swirling around for months. Then, a few weeks ago, multiple sources reported that Britney had requested Demi Lovato to join the judge’s table. Though up until yesterday, Fox execs and reps for both pop stars remained tight-lipped about the situation.

When the news was finally confirmed, people reacted as if it was the height of Beatlemania. While I was busy rolling my eyes, everyone felt like this was a pop culture moment. What was I missing?

I am a huge, HUGE fan of pop culture, specifically pop music. Growing up, I was a die-hard Britney fan. Though I don’t think she’s got the same spark that she used to have (before 2007, if you know what I’m saying), I still love her. That’s never going to change. Britney Spears is like an addiction; you can stop using, but you’re always going to be an addict.

And for some reason, I was obsessed with Demi Lovato for like three minutes this fall. I don’t really want to go into it because clearly it was a dark time in my life, but I feel like my love for the two pop stars would have me running to the nearest gossip website to be a part of the breaking news. But I wasn’t.

I just didn’t believe it. For starters, Britney hasn’t spoken for herself in years. I think the last time we heard her speak her mind was in Britney: For The Record which I can’t even go into because it’s f-cking heartbreaking. I don’t even remember the last time she did any legit album promo. It had to be before Blackout (any of that forced interview that she croaked through for Femme Fatale don’t count — so stop). Every time she IS interviewed, the reporters have an extremely strict list of things they can and can’t ask her about. I realize that this is somewhat standard practice depending on the celebrity, but if there’s even so much as a hint that the reporter wants to stray from the chosen topics, the interview is cancelled. How is a woman who is so closely guarded supposed to speak freely, let alone give the X Factor contestants advice? Is that going to be scripted too? I honestly don’t get it.

And then there’s Demi Lovato. I’ve written about her on Thought Catalog before and I do happen to appreciate her. I think it’s great that she’s going to be judging because where Britney is more a “performer,” Demi is certainly more of a vocalist. We’ve all (okay, some of us) had our eye on her since she left rehab, released her latest album and continues on her road to recovery. Good for you girl. You go Glen Coco.

BUT, she’s clearly unstable, or is doing her best to make us think she is. If you’ve been watching her in interviews, on red carpets and especially her Twitter, where she is, unlike Britney, allowed to speak freely, you’ll know that things can get interesting. I wonder if she has a good enough handle on her own career to be advising somebody else’s.

Just when the singing/ talent television show fad was beginning to die out, NBC breathed new life into it with The Voice with the addition of celebrity judges. But these just weren’t any D-List celebrity judges like Nicole Scherzinger or Sharon Osbourne, these were people who are icons or who are currently at the top of their game. With superstar talent like Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Cee-Lo and that one guy who sings country music, the show broke new ground. And honestly, it was all about the judges. I can’t even remember who won the first season of The Voice, but I can remember every single stupid had that X-tina wore. Isn’t that what it’s really all about?

Now, X Factor stepped its celebrity game up with Britney and Demi, and ABC is soon debuting a new show called Duets that stars celebrity judges Kelly Clarkson, Robin Thicke, Lionel Richie (LOL) and Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland. Shows like this seem to leave all other talent competitions behind and it seems that X Factor has the sure-fire best line up.

I originally didn’t care about the X Factor lineup because I thought it was kind of a joke. Despite their recent history, Britney and Demi both had their careers handed to them at the beginning. They both started very young. A few years after Britney’s stint with the Mickey Mouse club, she released “Baby One More Time.” It wasn’t like she had any credits or artistic license with that album, she was a pretty girl who was given pretty songs to sing. What happened after is history. Much the same with Demi. Would we be talking about her right now if she hadn’t been chosen to co-star in Camp Rock? Doubtful. Both girls were merely products of the entertainment industry.

And then it hit me. Maybe that simple fact that they are products is what makes this whole thing genius. Every week, X Factor shows us a singer or group that the judges have chosen to participate in the season, and we, the audience, get to choose which one we like best. The audience picks the one they want to invest in. Who better to help pick the nation’s next best selling act than two girls who have been invested in so many times before. There’s a difference between a group of handlers telling an up-and-comer what’s going to work, and a superstar like Britney telling you what actually does.

And since Britney and Demi have both seen and experienced the downsides of the entertainment industry so personally, I feel like that could only work to the benefit of the contestants. What makes X Factor unique is that the judge’s jobs are to not only judge the talent, but to mentor a group of contestants. To me, having a pop star pick what song a contestant will sing is great, but being able access advice and guidance from someone who has been broken down by the very industry that the contestant is trying to break into is very valuable. While I doubt that the contestants will be able to have much personal interaction with the judges — especially Britney — it’s an interesting idea that I’d like to see play out. If nothing else, they’ll definitely be able to weed out the ones who don’t have thick enough skin to handle the competition, let alone the resulting career.

I’m still on the fence. I’m still kind of shocked that Britney’s leash was loosened enough for her to take on this role, one where she can showcase her personality and make her America’s sweetheart once again. I’m equally as surprised they thought Demi Lovato had enough cred to be a judge. The whole season could very well fall flat on its face with millions of people watching, or we could have some quality TV on our hands that will kick all other competition completely out of the game. Either way, I’ll be watching.

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Game of Thrones is an action-packed drama with twists and turns around every corner. As such, we are looking for open-minded actresses who are flexible with the daily grind of a big production. Please circle the below word(s) or phrase(s) that best describe(s) your personality:

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Please circle the below song that best summarizes your outlook on life, sexually speaking:

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Imagine the following scenario: You are standing beside a large body of water. You cannot see any land across from you, but people have told you that it is a land of untold promise. A place paved with steady work and long-term studio contracts. A good relationship with a premium cable channel. Behind you is the barren wasteland of petty auditions and rotating barista jobs. In front of you is a small, motorized dinghy. A man wearing a cap holds out his hand to you. You reach for it, but before you can climb aboard, he shakes his head and points to a sign you had previously not noticed. It reads “acceptable payment methods: DIGNITY/RESPECT.” The water ahead looks choppy and mysterious. What do you do?

If you decided to climb aboard, please recount in detail your most recent sexual experience:

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image – Game of Thrones: The Complete First Season



Remember when Dan Quayle hated Murphy Brown? Remember when he blamed her — and her characters single motherhood — for causing the L.A. Riots and for perpetuating the breakdown of the traditional family structure? Didn’t that go a long way towards solving all our problems?

I mean, when you look at Candice Bergen, don’t you just say to yourself, “Society-eroding skullduggery?”



Lest we confine ourselves to the doghouse of simplicity, here are some words of explanation: 1) the speech Quayle gave was three pages long, and the Murphy Brown reference comes in at the end; 2) in the speech, he trots out the seemingly inexhaustible conservative rhetorical trope that there has been a “breakdown of family structure,” and claims that the poor have had their lot made worse by ‘the welfare ethos,’ i.e., ‘You’re addicted to welfare and you’re not looking for work’; 3) he passingly refers to LBJ’s Great Society, saying, “It would be overly simplistic to blame this social breakdown on the programs of the Great Society alone” then adds that “It would be absolutely wrong to blame it on the growth and success most Americans enjoyed during the 1980s.” (Leave the 80’s alone! ); 4) and then he declares that “marriage is the best anti-poverty program of all,” unless — of course — you’ve read The Two Income Trap (see, perhaps, this interview, if you want a taste of the book’s argument, which I think is a good one.)



As for the riots themselves: remember that it came about from Rodney King driving while intoxicated (though just under the legal limit, which is twice the legal limit in California), thinking that an arrest would violate his parole for a previous robbery conviction; remember that he was tased and then beaten 56 times by a swarm of LAPD; remember that the police bragged and joked about the beating as King was brought to the hospital; remember that the attorney for the police in the trial deemed that Rodney King was a threat after he had been tased and while he was being beaten; remember that Los Angeles is nineteen suburbs in search of a city, as the old saying goes, and that a lot was at play that day (a lot of which I can’t squeeze into here, but, for instance: the then-police chief initially spending his time during the riots at a party raising money to fight police reforms while others were furious at being pulled from the 77th and redeployed to — say — protect a bus station); remember that 55 people died, 2,300 were injured, and scores of buildings were burned over the course of six days; remember that — during the riots — Rodney King appealed for calm and literally asked, “Can’t we all just get along?”; and remember that — in Judith Butler’s words — a circuit of paranoia is built around the projection of one’s “own aggression and the subsequent regarding of that projection as an external threat.”



Rodney King hasn’t had the best life since the incident, but that’s neither here nor there.



The point here isn’t the speech or the L.A. Riots, but the fact that Dan Quayle invoked Murphy Brown in reference to the L.A. Riots. Instead of talking about a specific locality and community — predominantly Hispanic, Korean, and African-American — worn down by things not being what could and should have been, Dan Quayle invoked an imaginary white lady.


What makes it even stranger is that Quayle talks about Murphy Brown as a rhetorical “icing on the cake” moment after describing what he sees as a never-ending cycle of gangs and welfare dependents perpetuating themselves.

So, in other words: either Murphy Brown was in a gang, or she gave birth to a Crip. 

And Murphy Brown wasn’t just at it on her own: she had help. She had people on the inside, straight up villains like Jim “Cut Yo’ Face” Dial and Frank “I Don’t Drink My Milk, I Shiv It” Fontana.



Just look at the plot descriptions of some episodes of Murphy Brown: “To start a significant dialog, Murphy decides she will break the technicians’ strike by bringing both sides together for cake and conversation.”



Disgusting. I don’t understand why this episode isn’t in jail next to Charles Manson. 



“Murphy’s story wins freedom for an innocent man; when the rest of the team realizes he has a problem adjusting with the outside world, Miles offers him a job as Murphy’s secretary.”



Horrifying. I think I’m going to write a letter of complaint to the FCC, just to make sure it isn’t still on the air. I’ll also try and be flirty about it, too, writing things like “Rapidly bats eyes” in parenthesis after sentences like, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” (Then adding in a second pair of parenthesis, “Not ‘animal’ bat eyes. Though I’m sure they’re just as flirty.”)



“When Miles arrives to the office, the whole gang makes fun of his new suit. He says he bought it because his older brother is coming to town so he wants to look good. At Murphy’s office, Miles asks her to join them for lunch, Murphy reluctantly agrees.”


And there goes civilization. Shame it had it had to end like that – you know, because Murphy Brown accepted lunch and all.



Anyone up for a game of post-nuclear fallout foosball? 






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PICTURE PERFECT BRUSHING OF TEETH. Naturally when one brushes their teeth, the bubbly foam and saliva accumulates, resulting in a frothy, toothpaste covered mouth. On television however, we constantly see people polishing their pearly whites without an ounce of Colgate residue. How in the name of Crest are they so efficient? Well it’s evident that on set they are more concerned with actors spitting out their lines than a mouthful of minty suds, so the fact that there isn’t any actual paste on their brush results in no mess. While that may look clean, it’s somewhat of a foolish concept since using no oral hygiene product would completely defeat the purpose.

CHEESY MUSIC DOESN’T PLAY DURING EMOTIONAL MOMENTS. Whether it’s a life lesson being learned, a couple of friends making up or any other type of tear jerking situation, TV has mastered the art of playing sappy, synthesized music in the background of emotional scenes. In reality, life lessons are typically learned over time from trial and error or dim-witted decisions and friend make ups often happen randomly or drunkenly in clubs/bars… Hey, at least there’s some type of music playing in that scenario, although it’s a lot more Black Eyed Peas and a lot less piano/ violin instrumentals.

YOU CAN’T GET IN SHAPE IN A 30 SECOND MONTAGE. Unfortunately for those of us in “the real world” when we are unsatisfied with our bodies, working out vigorously and dieting consistently over an extensive period of time are required to attain the physical attributes we are seeking. For those on TV and in movies, all it takes is a 30-60 second montage. Need to get in shape for some big event? Queue the motivational music, show a fifteen second shot of the person running, a ten second shot of them eating salad and another fifteen seconds of them lifting weights and BOOM! Suddenly, they’re ready to step into the ring and trade punches with Apollo Creed.

DINNER IS DIFFERENT. In modern days a lot of families eat dinner in different rooms at different times, whereas television kin tend to sit down at a table and talk about their day. That’s the other BIG difference. They talk and talk and TALK, but do very little eating. Sometimes it’s actually rather frustrating to watch these characters push their food around with their forks but fail to ever actually put it in their mouth — especially when the meal looks appetizing.

PEOPLE AND THEIR CELL PHONES. One of the more inaccurate things about television is the lack of phone use. People are consumed with texting, playing games, social networking and (every so often) talking on their cellular devices. For the sake of authenticity, television shows should have characters who aren’t busy spewing dialogue, utilizing their iPhones and Droids regularly.

ANNOYING NEIGHBORS. Steve Urkel (Family Matters), Kimmy Gibbler (Full House) and Ned Flanders (The Simpsons) — just to name a few of the many pesky television neighbors. Constantly we see these neighbors entering the home and being involved in the lives of the show’s main characters on a regular basis. Let’s get real, if the person next door came to your place, raided your refrigerator, broke your belongings and had a generally obnoxious presence, it would be the first and last time you’d have them over. Crazy, Winslows — nobody in real life has the patience to tolerate the clumsiness of a Steve Urkel.

SPLITTING UP IN SCARY SITUATIONS. Seriously, who really does this besides television/ movie characters? I won’t even read a Goosebumps book in a room by myself, much less go my separate way in a dark and/or suspicious setting.

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image – Rocky

Last Wednesday, I finished a beer at The People’s Improv Theater in New York City and told my friend I had to head out to do something for work. He was confused because it was almost 10 p.m.

“Oh,” I said. “I’m going to this like, crazy public access TV show by this comedian guy and there’s a bunch of weird stunts and it’s like, an underground cult hit…You know what? I can’t explain it properly. Do you want to just come with me and see for yourself?”

I feel like this is a common entry point for new fans of The Chris Gethard Show.

Though hard to nail down in a “three-second pitch,” comedian Gethard’s TV show strives to be one thing: not boring.

And it’s definitely not.

Gethard, a New York alt comedy staple and a long-time beloved performer at the legendary Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater, hosts a cacophony of randomness every Wednesday at 11 p.m. on the Manhattan Neighborhood Network. (Archived episodes can also be watched here and there’s a livestream to watch online.) The show started in 2009 as a live stage show at the UCB and moved to cable access television last year.

I’ll do my best to describe it: The Chris Gethard Show is part-talk show/part-game show. There’s a house band called The LLC, a motley crew of bizarre panelists and a live musical guest — all corralled by the ringleader Gethard, a slight mad genius, who half-blushes with disbelief/half-delights in each non-sequitor of the show.

Panelists include (among others) a hairy, shirtless man in swim goggles known as “The Human Fish” (played by UCB performer David Bluvband), Gethard’s best friend, the quick and angry Shannon O’Neill, sweetheart producer Bethany Hall, and a hidden Twitter fiend called — in David Lynch-ian style — “The Man Behind The Plant.”

In the opening of the show, Gethard described TCGS as simply “a home for creative people and weirdos.”

As an improv comedian, I’ve known of Chris Gethard since I first came to New York in 2009 and saw him perform in UCB’s Sunday night celebrity-infused improv show ASSSSCAT 3000. He solidified his place as one of my favorite comedians by being super hilarious on stage, but became one of my favorite people after I read a fantastic interview he did with The Onion AV Club to promote his appropriately wild and weird book, “A Bad Idea I’m About To Do: True Tales Of Seriously Poor Judgment And Stunningly Awkward Adventure.”

Gethard takes the outlandish ideas that most people suppress and then actually goes through with them. As described on the show’s website, Gethard is known for “using Twitter to book Diddy as a guest, staging a show to make a depressed teenager from Ohio have the best night of his life, and pulling off a cross-country tour, its route largely defined by people on Twitter while it was happening.” He’s also starred in a Comedy Central show, ‘Big Lake,’ and when it was cancelled, he interviewed one of his biggest Internet haters face to face.

Gethard has no problem being the butt of the joke or the “loser.” His campaign “Loser is the New Nerd” started as a way to take back the social implications of both words in a world where Zooey Deschanel and Lebron James identify as “nerds.” In an interview with Thought Catalog, Gethard said the chic appeal of nerd-dom makes some things easier, but doesn’t eliminate bullying.

“That doesn’t change the fact that some of these kids don’t get to choose,” he said. “There’s kids with asthma and allergies and eye patches and back braces all over the country who really have it rough for being who they are. The ‘Loser is the New Nerd’ mantra was basically saying — nerd doesn’t necessarily refer to those types of kids like it used to, and those kids, myself included, should empower themselves by boxing out the word ‘loser’ for themselves, by drawing a line in the sand and saying ‘We can all be nerds, but you have to be born into being a loser.’”

At Gethard’s show “loser” is actually kind of the new “winner.” The packed audience was a crowd of mostly college students — young people with dyed blue hair or long flowing floral skirts: hippies, weirdos and yes, nerds. Next to the panel, a monitor showed Twitter in real-time with tons of Tweeting fans, but the sole video sketch was a self-deprecating tale of Gethard’s trek to Washington Square Park in search of his biggest fan only to find no one actually watches The Chris Gethard Show. When he finally found a young guy who’d actually heard of him (though not of his show specifically), Gethard was so excited, he bought his “fan” a Spiderman ice pop.

The show is comedy, but the first episode of The Chris Gethard Show I ever watched made me cry. In it, Gethard brought on Alyssa, a 16-year-old girl, who described herself as “biggest comedy nerd in the suburbs” and showered her with presents, compliments and special guests like Seth Meyers, Kay Cannon, Tina Fey, Jack McBrayer and Bobby Moynihan. A mostly speechless Alyssa started crying at one point, and that’s when the floodgates opened for me.

That’s what makes Chris Gethard awesome. In his world, everyone is special. To Gethard, his show doesn’t even start for him until the calls come in or the Twitter monitor starts updating — until in his words “the people get involved.” Fans of the show have created T-shirt designs, original animations and Spotify playlists inspired by TCGS.

“I really don’t want this to feel like a standard TV show, where you watch the show and we give you what we want to give you and you take it. I want this to be something that the community of viewers gets to shape and mold and make their own,” Gethard said. “I want to sort of set the parameters, but then let the viewers of the show point it in whatever direction they want.”

The show I saw last week featured a game called “The Multiple Choice Cavalcade of Fiascos” where callers from places like Brooklyn and Long Island, but also North Dakota, Illinois and Sweden, answered questions about the panelists. (One caller told Chris, “I met some of my best friends through The Chris Gethard Show.”)

Punishments for wrong answers included a group of grown men in diapers quoting Charles Manson, a mermaid who thankfully didn’t have to eat a live goldfish, a guy in an Arnold Schwarzenegger mask doing a strip tease, and a 30 second dance party to the sound of a baby crying (to which panelist Shannon O’Neill hilariously asked, “Is this dubstep?”).

Watching the show live, I kept thinking about myself in high school — cast out and alone — and how I would have completely latched on to a show like this: one that shows it’s not only okay to be weird — it’s standard procedure. Gethard is particularly proud of that aspect.

“It’s important to me to honor that,” he said, “and really try to build the environment of the show as an inclusive, interactive, accessible place that kids from all over can participate in.”

The show last week ended with a group of men spitting on Gethard’s face, while he joyfully yelled, “Is this really how we’re ending this week?” Then, the studio audience burst into enthusiastic cheers, blowing soapy bubbles while The LLC sang Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun.” It was perfect — and impossible to describe.

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1. Chronic misunderstandings

People misunderstanding each other and having a general lack of communication are the bread and butter of TV and film. Someone assumes something or mishears a conversation and all of a sudden we have a conflict that fuels an entire episode or movie. This might’ve been more plausible in the ’60s and ’70s when people communicated mostly via smoke signals but it’s not possible in 2012. With texting, Twitter, and Facebook, there are no misunderstandings. We always know EXACTLY what’s going on. Any confusion can simply be cleared up via text or seeing where someone’s checked in on FourSquare. We no longer have the LUXURY to be misunderstood.

2. The dorky girl getting the hot guy in high school

Listen, I’m a firm believer in thinking that someone is NEVER out of your league. Unless you’re a homeless person trying to bone Brad Pitt, you can pretty much have sex with whoever you want if you put your mind to it. High school, however, is a different story. There are dating rules everyone must abide by, one of them being that the jock will never date the resident art freak. He won’t just develop a conscience overnight and realize that the geeky girl will be a total babe in 2.5 years and is actually a lot cooler than his cheerleading girlfriend. No way, it’s their job to reject people who are less popular and preserve the antiquated social order. So, yeah, I call major BS on something like Samantha Baker and Jake Ryan getting together at the end of Sixteen Candles. First of all, if this were real life, Jake Ryan would’ve been a total dick. In the movie, he’s portrayed as being over the whole popularity thing, secretly sensitive and so misunderstood. Um, no. The real Jake Ryan would’ve been a misogynistic bully that laughed in the face of a girl like Molly Ringwald. Second of all, he wouldn’t have just pawned off his hot blonde girlfriend on Anthony Michael Hall to get with Sam. If this were college, maybe the two would’ve met in their English Literature class and bonded over some dopey author. Sam would think to herself, “This guy is legitimately retarded but after being a social outcast for so long, I deserve to date someone dumb and hot.” And Jake would’ve been down because Sam seems smart and pretty, the kind of girl he should marry or whatever. It would work then but it wouldn’t have worked in high school.

3. People never having money problems

Unless a movie is specifically about the hardships of poverty, money is NEVER factored into a movie or TV show’s plot. Everyone just has a lot of it! They have a great job and a nice apartment. They’re comfortably bohemian bougie. They can afford a dream kitchen with expensive appliances and have a luxurious bed because they make a good salary as someone who, um, does something vague in a chic, well-lit office.

4. People get in terrible accidents and survive unscathed

Maybe this is a sensitive topic for me, seeing as how I was just CLIPPED by a speeding car and almost died, but I’m so tired of Hollywood showing people get hit by buses and cars and surviving only with a scratch and a hilarious neck brace. If this were real life, they would be dead as a doornail! Like dead instantly. No funny brace on their body, just them being featured in a coffin. End scene/life.

5. Your life’s progress can be measured by an inspiring montage

I wonder if my life would seem more exciting if it received the occasional montage. Set to the uplifting song “Perfect Day” by Hoku, it would be a series of shots of me laughing in the park with my friends, hanging out on a stoop, laughing at some joke in a crowded restaurant, getting food out of someone’s teeth and then dry humping them in my bedroom, crying in my living room, attending a kickboxing class and, finally, staring at the Statue Of Liberty. Wouldn’t that make my life seem cool? I typically prefer real life to movies but I wouldn’t turn down the occasional life montage.

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Caffeine Pills

As Seen On TV: In this infamous episode of Saved By The Bell, perfectionist Jessie Spano starts taking over-the-counter caffeine pills in order to keep up with the rigors of high school life. In the span of 22 minutes, we see Jessie pop her first pill and become a full-blown speed addict, eventually collapsing in Zack Morris’ arms after experiencing a brutal comedown. She was so excited and then she was so, so scared. After realizing she had developed a caffeine problem, Jessie vowed to never touch the awful stuff again!

In Reality: I’ve never taken caffeine pills (LOL, who has?) but I did take an Adderall once during my freshman year of college. Even though it’s probably 10x stronger than a No-Doz, I never got “Jessie Spano” high. Instead, I got distracted from studying and cleaned my room before finally settling down to take a Myspace quiz for FIVE HOURS. Needless to say, I also vowed to never touch the stuff again.

Weed

As Seen On TV: Historically, smoking weed has been portrayed as the devil’s drug on television. Remember on 7th Heaven when Matt had a joint in his drawer and his parents nearly pooped their pants in fear? The effects from pot have always been overly exaggerated on TV to keep conservatives happy. In this episode of Freaks and Geeks, however, marijuana is finally shown in a truthful light. Lindsay gets too stoned so she enlists the help of her Christian friend, Millie, to calm her down. She also gets paranoid about Millie waking up her dog which, let’s face it, is totally something a stoned person would freak out about.

In Reality: Weed is mostly whatevs. You laugh, you eat, you freak out about aliens and then you smoke some more. The only time it gets really crazy is when you eat an edible. Then you could actually hallucinate and lose your damn mind. Unfortunately, it’s happened to me before. I went to a house party after eating an edible once and spent the next three hours trying to walk out of the front door and call a cab. I was too stoned to dial though so someone had to do it for me and escort me to the car. The whole time I was thinking “WEED DID THIS TO ME?! REALLY?”

Coke

As Seen On TV: My favorite TV portrayal of cocaine addiction has to be Kelly Taylor from Beverly Hills, 90210. Despite never having touched drugs in her life, Kelly becomes a total cokehead psycho after her father bails on their lunch plans. For the next few episodes, her and her artist boyfriend Colin hole up in their Venice Beach loft and do tons of blow. Occasionally they’ll leave to rent a limo and go shopping, or buy more drugs at a place that resembles a crackhouse. Kelly finally quits coke and goes to rehab for two episodes. It’s never really mentioned again.

In Reality: Coke does make you bitchy and on edge. However, you’d have to be Rick James status to go into the near-psychosis Kelly and Colin went into. Also, just because you’re coked out doesn’t mean you forget how to use a hairbrush. I’m looking at you when I say that, Kelly.

Ecstasy

As Seen On TV: In a very special episode of Dawson’s Creek, Andie McPhee steals Jen’s Ecstasy and takes it at a rave. She ends up having a blast (as she should, it’s ECSTASY) until she gets lightheaded and ODs on the jolly jump. Apparently it had an adverse reaction to her anti-depressants, which is why she went from loving life to being in a light coma so quickly.

In Reality: I’m not on anti-depressants so I can’t vouch for the validity of Andie’s OD, but I found Ecstasy to be pretty intense. My body felt like it was vibrating and my jaw was doing strange cokey things. Sure I felt mildly euphoric but it ultimately wasn’t worth the social shame I experienced from petting strangers.

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Thought Catalog: How much do you guys relate to your characters?

Abbi: I really relate to my character because we basically write exaggerated versions of ourselves. Most of the situations we portray in the show are things that have either happened to us or a friend, or at least something we can relate to in a big way. So, I’d say, a lot!

Ilana: And the deeper we go into the world of Broad City the further we get from being the characters. We’re still finding the show and the characters in it and who we are, like in reality, I guess all the time. As much as our real lives inform this project, the project informs us about who we are in our lives.

TC: How did you guys conceive the concept of the show?

A: I think when we began doing this and brainstorming, we were both in this place of really yearning to create something for ourselves with our own distinct voices, and that’s where it came from. Us realizing that our dynamic as friends, and the she we talk about with each other was meaty material coming from an honest place.

I: We were real friends before we started creating together, so that helped.

TC: Did you guys always want to be comedians/performers?

A: When I was a kid I was pretty obsessed with SNL and did want to be an actor. In high school I doubted that as a possibility and decided to go full force with the straight and narrow track of getting a great, high paying job — so I went to art school, studying fine art. I found the UCB right after college and it just felt really right. From then on, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

I: When my brother, Eliot, and I were kids, we had a video camera.

TC: What’s it like working with Amy Poehler?

A: It’s pretty amazing to get to work with someone you admire and look at as such a role model in many ways. Having her in an episode couldn’t have been more fun, as she is down to do whatever to make it funnier.

I: In one way, it was this big amazing thing, and in another way, it feels so right! I think that’s what everyone must feel who works with her, but it’s still a very special thing. She’s a very special person; it is, of course, excellent.

TC: Ilana, you can play drums, and Abbi can draw really well. What other talents do you guys have?

A: Hmmm, I used to play a lot of sports as a kid, so I would say at my core I’m pretty athletic… even if I don’t partake in team-sports anymore. I’m also pretty crafty in general — I was very proud of myself during times in my life when I was really broke at what I would make people for birthday gifts.

I: I’m kind of a dog whisperer, and I’m good with babies and kids. I’m NOT good at getting gifts.

TC: What do you guys think of the comparisons to Curb Your Enthusiasm? Would you guys say the comparisons are warranted? Would you guys make those comparisons yourselves?

A: I love being compared to one of my favorite shows. Curb is such a specific voice, so I do think when people make the comparison, they’re speaking to the dry, realistic, Jewish tone — which is stuff I love about our show, so I will happily take it. We did used to say it was a sort of cross between Curb and Sex and the City, even though I think it’s very different. But for people who haven’t ever seen it, you gotta compare it to stuff they know and other shows.

I: You’ll always be compared to somebody else, but if you are, that’s good because someone’s thinking of you and talking about your work. We’re down!

TC: Broad City has been described as “sneak attack feminism,” are you guys inclined to agree?

A: Yeah, that conversation was about how we don’t consciously try to include feminist issues in the show, but after you have watched a lot of Broad City, you sort of come away with a bit of that — a feeling that these to represent a piece of our generation’s women and what they’re about.

I: It snuck up even on us because it takes an audience to respond to certain things and make your work pertinent in whichever specific way. The way people, all different types of people, respond and reach out shapes our experience.

TC: Is it important, to you guys to be female-friendly comedians?

A: Yes, it is really important. We have to be supportive of each other. It doesn’t mean I automatically think every female comedian is hilarious because they’re a woman, but it’s important to try and continue the growth and exposure of amazing women in every field.

I: Everyone everywhere should be female-friendly. We should be friendly to everybody equally. As comics, it’s like, everybody’s doing their thing and finding their voice, and it’s a hard thing to do, so we should support each other for coming together, finding each other from where ever we started to be strange and fun together.

TC: What sites do you guys love and hate? And what sites do you love to hate?

A: Ahhh… I am a terrible old lady! I don’t go on them much, but the celeb gossip sites make me crazy! I hate HATERS and I dispose all the negative comments on sites like that, but when I do find myself on sites like that, it’s hard to get off. One site I LOVE is Apartment Therapy.

I: I love Dlisted. I love Matt Stopera on Buzzfeed, and I love my brother on New York Mag.

TC: What’s the writing process for each episode like?

A: When we wrote the web series we usually had brainstorming sessions of episode concepts, so when we actually went to write each episode we sort of had an image already of what it was going to be. Ilana usually is the actual “typer,” while I sort of need my hands free!

I: It’s exciting to be able to write the fully actualized version of the show the way we are now. Our dynamic is such that often, Abbi’ll have more of the big concepts where I come in with the details, but we switch, too. I’m controlling and like to type, and I also bounce my leg and need to have my hands occupied.

TC: What do you guys think of the blog-to-book phenomenon?

A: I think it’s very cool. I love when stuff can be produced and presented in different ways. I love when books are adapted to film, when a stand up’s character can turn into the main character on a TV show (Roseanne…) I love stuff like that, but when it is done well.

I: I love it, I think it’s cool that comedians are using this medium. And I totally agree, when it’s done well and thoughtfully is when you’re glad the whole medium was invented. It’s also democratic, like the people are choosing what becomes successful.

TC: Favorite comedians?

A: I love Wanda Sykes, Louis CK, and Hannibal Burress. Portlandia is my new show I’m really into. So many people I love I [think] I’m going to not even try.

I: Yes, Abbi’s… adding Damien Lemon and Yamaneika Saunders. Ali Wong.

TC: Favorite books?

A: A few faces: Einstein’s Dreams, The New York Trilogy, and I loved The Hours.

I: It’s kinda the same thing here as it is with the news… I’m gonna answer what I’m currently reading, which is Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant’s How To Write Movies For Profit, Stanley Siegel’s Your Brain On Sex, and I kinda just finished The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, who was a nutty b.

TC: Who are your favorite Tumblr personalities?

A: Ohh geeez! I don’t know an answer to this question which means I’m not using Tumblr correctly!

I: Frank Ocean.

TC: Are you guys familiar with the The Social Network/ Jewnicorn fandom?

A: No?

I: God that sounds sooo scary. I…

TC: What advice, if any, do you guys have for wannabe comedians?

A: I would say it’s really important to find your own voice, and when you do — create material for yourself and find ways to get that material seen. I know that sounds obvious, but there are a lot of steps in there. To find your own voice, I’d recommend being open to trying new mediums and taking a lot of different classes. Go to see a lot of comedy and figure out what makes you laugh and why. Create stuff for yourself in different formats and see what works best. Do research and find out how to best get expire for whatever medium you’re working on. But most importantly my advice would be to always be creating new stuff and putting it out there — in any way possible.

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To enter Judge Judy’s courtroom is to enter a world where time stands still. Judith Sheindlin has hosted her eponymous court series since 1996, not long after she retired as a Manhattan judge, but a case from an early show could be thrown in tomorrow’s episode and I doubt I’d ever notice. In cases ranging from 5 to 15 minutes, you can always count on Judy to summarize the dispute, hear the arguments, and hone in on the truth with the precision of a diamond cutter — the same way, with the same archetypes, in every single one of her thousands and thousands of episodes. “This is her courtroom… This is Judge Judy!” exclaims the narrator at the start of each show. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love Judge Judy. I can’t stop watching it. Every day I come home at night with a plan to finally read The Great Gatsby, and every day poor F. Scott gathers dust on the shelf while I seek more Judy on YouTube, the chip-crumbs of failure spread across my chest. Ah, screw it, I tell myself — with its bite-sized stories of crime and punishment, betrayal and revenge, bullying and comeuppance, family feuds, frauds, sex, violence, drugs, abuse, and sweet, sweet justice, the cases on Judge Judy are concise, perfect dramas. Judge Judy may be a terrible show with its daily ceremony of shame and ridicule, but as terrible shows go, it’s one of the best.

My inner lapsed-Catholic cries for ritual, and Judge Judy is my new Stations of the Cross. Like the teenagers in a slasher movie who check the mysterious sound in the woods right after having sex, Judy’s plaintiffs and defendants never learn from precedent. They always lend money to their ex-boyfriends, who always insist the bail money was just a gift. They always try to interrupt each other’s testimony before being snapped at by the judge. The poor souls bring witnesses, and more often than not, they live to regret it. “Your Honor, can I just say something?” “NO!”

She has delivered thousands of verdicts in thousands of episodes, but Judy can always muster the rage and indignation of being interrupted for the first time. As the cases wind down, the poor souls grow desperate, saying they “disagree” or that “you’re not being fair!” as if their cries of protest will make a difference. And they always — always — no matter how innocuous their crimes or predictable their behavior — will so irritate Judy that she will eventually unleash her piercing, primal scream. “SIT DOWN!” “BE QUIET!” “I DON’T WANNA HEAR FROM YOU!” “WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!” “SHUT UP!” The glorious, glorious money-shot.

Every day, ten million people tune in for the daily ceremony — ten million junkies in search of a fix. The well of eager applicants for Judy’s abuse never dries, and whenever the omniscient narrator asks for audience participation — “Suing a family member? Call 1-888-800-JUDY!” — my heart goes a-flutter. Hurrah — more drama on the horizon! No sooner is one case done than the teaser for tomorrow’s episode revs up (“A broken engagement… A daughter betrayed!…”), and the wait for the next day grows agonizing. Judge Judy episodes are like cleavage: they’re always the same, they’re not usually memorable, and yet I feel I will never get tired of looking at them.

As she enters her 17^th season and 69^th year, Judy shows no sign of leaving. At an age when even the most venerable shows make cosmetic adjustments, Judge Judy’s aesthetic stays Bressonian in its minimalism. After 17 seasons, the courtroom has the same flag, the same cardboard bookcase, and the same five or six camera angles. 17 seasons and we still have “Byrd,” the stone-faced bailiff and Judge Judy’s Paul Schaffer — gruff and silent except for the rare, perfect zinger. The plaintiffs and defendants wear the same golf shirts and cheap suits, and the same eBay scams and broken relationships return with only the names and places changed. In recent years, the opening credits have featured a jazzier version of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, and the producers have added New York street scenes before the commercial breaks (curious, since the show is shot in L.A.). I hope that will be all — any more changes to Judy’s world could harm its simple perfection.

You can depend on Judge Judy. No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, it’s always there for you. Sometimes we spend our lives searching for happiness, never realizing it’s right there in front of us. The older I get, and the more I experience, the more I realize that Judge Judy is the one for me. Yes, friends, I’ve given it some thought, I think it’s time for Judge Judy and I to finally settle down and start a life together.

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image – Judge Judy: Justice Served

We are in a golden age of television. Today’s critically and commercially successful shows deal with diverse subject matter. They’re set in varied places and eras. While it seems that there’s no one pathway to popularity, it does seem like high stakes drama combined with a specific sense of place and time is a common thread between the last decade’s most popular shows. With that in mind, here is, in my best estimation, the blueprint for the greatest television program the world has ever known.

The year is 1914. The location, outer space. Tensions are running high between Mars-tria and Germoony. The United Asteroid Belt of America tries to remain neutral, but the murder of Spaceduke Franz Ferdinand touches off an intergalactic conflict that involves all corners of the galaxy.

On one small asteroid, a man named Jeremy Van Buren prepares to go to war. The Van Burens are wealthy, landed aristronauts. Jeremy leaves behind a family in chaos. Servants who want to learn how to pilot space crafts on their own. Daughters who are experimenting with their newly awakened sexualities.  A disabled son, injured playing football on Earth’s Texas.

Reginald Van Buren, Jeremy’s brother, agrees to manage the estate in Jeremy’s stead. Unbeknownst to Jeremy, however, Reginald has ulterior motives. He has already made alliances with several other asteroid barons in an attempt to consolidate power. He also has a rare form of space-cancer. His greed and his illness cause him to withdraw from Emily, his brother’s wife. In turn, Emily embarks on an affair with a detective from inner city Space Baltimore.

Here’s where things get really complicated. To ensure his family’s continued wealth and prominence, Reginald Van Buren has developed a chemically pure strain of pipe tobacco that gives the user an unbridled nicotine rush and a feeling of immense patriotism. He forms an alliance with Space Baltimore street tough Jupiter to distribute the tobacco throughout the streets.

Jupiter is a marketing genius, and he manages to create a word of mouth campaign that quickly skyrockets (pun intended) their brand of pipe tobacco to the top of the Space Baltimore drug underworld. When Reginald begins to synthesize other illicit substances (a triple strength sleepytime tea, cucumber sandwiches with extra cucumber), it becomes clear that Jupiter’s skills as a pitchman are going to be tested if he is to market these new innovations to Space Baltimore’s criminal element.

All the while, Space Baltimore detective Chase Umbridge, Emily Van Buren’s lover, is hot on the trail of this new kingpin. Ironically, he remains unaware that the new kid in town is none other than his paramour’s brother!

Jupiter’s keen acumen and Reginald’s brilliance and restless hunger for power drive the pair to new heights of wealth and influence. But how long can it last?

When the Earth Texas-Space Baltimore high school football teams play for the universe championship, the pressure is too much for poor crippled Dewey Van Buren. He gets busted trying to purchase an ounce of medicinal crumpet in the men’s room.

There is such a level of tension and intrigue the viewer can barely stand it.

Will Jupiter and Reginald’s empire come crashing down?

Can Dewey avoid a stint in Space Jail through his family connections?

How long will Emily and Chase carry on their dalliance?

Is one of the sisters (gasp) a homosexual?

When Jeremy returns from the war, will his family have crumbled around him?

How did everyone get into space?

Also, everyone has British accents and there are dragons. And that’s just Episode 1.

If this show were real, it would set the internet on fire with fan response. Viewers would debate Emily’s status as a feminist figure and Reginald’s moral fiber. Superfans would create a system of physics to explain the effects of Space Cancer. Disabled watchers would commend Dewey Van Buren’s nuanced character, resilient yet flawed.

It would be called: Orbital Resonance.

Ultimately, Orbital Resonance would win eleven Emmy awards and be cancelled after once season on account of its abysmal ratings.

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