Dresses, makeup, gifts, traveling, parties, showers. Everyone is getting married. Everyone ever. I can barely cope with the fact that I’m the lone wolf at every wedding, let alone that you registered for a $279 juicer. Totes happy for you though.

It must be the lighting. In normal situations, isn’t exposure to bright, industrial, fluorescent light known to bother people? And give them headaches? And make them twitch? Or melt into a sad, sappy puddle? Not at Target.