There is one element that all of my failed relationships share. Through all the many variations of womanhood that I have been familiar with, but a single thread carries through all of these dalliances. They involved a heavy amount of physical intimacy.
We live in exhilarating and confounding times. Mostly confounding. Here’s a concise glossary to help you make sense of it all without having to talk to anybody or subscribe to Wired magazine.
Be acutely aware of your gestures and positioning as you reach [object.] Exaggerate them. Act drunker and a little vulnerable. Try to look like you’re not trying. Try harder. Gauge what it’s looking for — it could be a condescending remark about the party/venue or a rowdy yell displaying your engagement.
The thing about our future Internet Crush will be that despite the fact that we’ll never really know them, we’ll assume they ‘get’ us and that they are beautiful and sexy and attractive and special. All the despite the cold fact that what this person really is is a collection of pictures and text — a storyboard, a narrative, a hologram, a fantasy.
On December 2nd she said she couldn’t come on the ski trip; on December 4th you said you loved her; on December 12th you sent her a picture of you on a snowboard; on December 15th she said she needed to talk; after that there are no more messages; that was two years ago. Yes, I remember — thank you, Facebook. Would you like to send her a message? Well, not anymore.
For whatever reason, “Words with Friends” breaks down your social walls and opens up the floodgates for anyone you’ve ever met to request a meeting of the minds via mobile word game. It stands to follow that you’re not actually playing “Words with Friends,” you’re playing Words With People Who Have Downloaded The Same App As You, That You Happen To Know In A Tenuous Manner. Let’s get specific, shall we?
If we’re being honest (that is what Thought Catalog is for, right?), I’ll admit that there are people I’d rather delete than keep on Facebook/ in my life, but they remain because it would be rude to cut them out, and it’s hard to admit when any relationship is hopeless.
When away from the internet, say at the grocery store or in line at Chipotle on your lunch break from an office job that requires you to be on the internet 8-10 hours a day, you actually experience these consistent twinges of visceral longing to check your email, kind of like if you checked it you’d feel normal again, or satiated in some way.
The Sun Unexpectedly Beginning To Rise After A Night Out – Accompanied By The Sound Of Birds – May Cause Unexplainable Feelings Of Doom, The Feeling That One’s Life Is Not Okay At All And Will Never, Ever Be Okay, And Intense Feelings That What One Has Done During His/Her Night Out Was “Bad.”
People know they want to connect with other people and they’ve acknowledged, by signing their souls to more and more accounts, that the Internet is the way to reach this goal. This is why, when I opened up my Gmail account yesterday and saw the Google+ invite sitting pretty in my inbox, I signed up, all the while applauding myself for setting myself ahead of the social media curve.