We begin where every great story should start: brunch.
“Xanax?! Ha! We’re all on Xanax, who cares?!” shouts all the Housewives’ inner dialogue. VICKI, LYDIA, and ALEXIS take off, and TAMRA and her posse “BLESS THIS FUCKING BUILDING.”
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has a lot of wisdom to impart. However, not all of it adheres to logic or sense.
Lines have been drawn. The friends who the ladies choose to pre-game with will become the blood-sisters they will draw swords to protect. One clan is led by the New God called “Jesus.”
Instead of facing the music, TAMRA rushes from the dinner table to have a solo cry and be consoled by the “Jewish Marry Poppins.” HEATHER’s purse did always seem to be holding an endless supply of items, but, in a Jewish kind of way.
“Women of a certain age and with a specific point of view, to watch them be vivacious and glamorous and sexual, is important and revolutionary.”
I support marriage equality, but my support deserves more explanation than a simple photograph can explain, and I saw a number of fights break out on Facebook as people struggled to articulate their mixed emotions on marriage to friends and family.
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewivess that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:
All of us want, covet and desire. We want to be recognized. We covet material goods. We desire affection. “Like, favorite, share, upvote, etc.”
I’m not sayin’ I’m a gold digger… but I probably could be. Everybody has their limits, though — even those girls on Millionaire Matchmaker (read: the Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis episode). Here are five Rich Dudes that are absolutely, definitely NOT on my list of theoretical Rich Baby Daddys.