Someone is going to vomit in your sink and you can only blame yourself.
You would THINK that the father of the child I was hired to entertain would treat me with some level of respect, right? I mean, his wife is in the next room and I’ve spent the past hour bonding with his daughter, so it would be ridiculous for Daddio to hit on me.
“Did you know that ‘all hallow’s eve’ was originally a Christian holiday designed t-“
Someone just made a lasting connection with another human being who they’re completely and totally in stupid love with, right at this very second.
1. The guy who is SO into whatever he’s doing tomorrow: For the purpose of this article, we’ll call him Kevin.
And then in six months when you’re sitting at a bar, sipping a glass of chardonnay, making polite conversation with nice people you wonder what it would be like to have one of those crazy wild nights again.
My dad accidentally said “I take you Helen Keller…” instead of “Helen” when he married my mom. He was nervous and it just popped out.
This couple is snuggling in the corner and booping each other’s noses while rambling on about how they’re soul mates.
Abusing a substance destructively is like riding on a roller coaster without wearing a seat belt. We crave the danger because we want to see how close we can come to death.
You’re fine, you tell yourself, and miraculously you are, by some stroke of luck you find it in you to keep dancing and smiling and flip your hair when he looks and pat it back down when he doesn’t.