“For $100/hour I will come to your holiday party dressed as the Elf on the Shelf and sit in any location you assign me while I stare emptily at your guests for the duration of the event.”
“I was eating cereal and blew on it to cool it down.”
Arnold stayed in Hillwood for most of his young adult years except for the year he took to travel around the world — just like his parents.
Aggressive driving is the path to the dark side.
“everyone pray to me, because your other god is too pussy sh*t to destroy ISIS.”
It’s everything you hate about Facebook turned funny!
I don’t want the lasers touching my homeopathic remedies.
You know what they say: Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.
Lord of the Rings: Group spends 9 hours returning jewelry.
hey guys just after a lot of help and support from you guys i have decided to drop out of college and pursue my life long dream of living with iguanas.