Chimples joins an already impressive team here at My Face. He’ll be working alongside the Forehead Acne, doing a remarkable job despite an earlier setback this year when the owner of My Face tried to cover them by getting bangs.

All foods containing more than 25% of your recommended daily saturated fat, 20% of your sodium, or refined starches will be labeled “Poison Pellets,” “Fat Patties,” or “Baby Carrots That Never Called or Even Texted Their Full-Length Parents in Their Past Life, So Got Reborn as Tostitos Scoops.”

It’s part of this world we grew up in, dominated by advertisers, where we are shown (repeatedly, constantly, to the point of near perpetuity) the same jingoistic songs, the “He likes it! Hey Mikey!” repetitions that come part and parcel with being (growing up, living) as an American.

I kind of always assumed first dates were like Tim Burton movies without Johnny Depp or getting famous through Myspace: they don’t happen anymore. Or like recycling: something people talk about doing and then never actually do. (Just kidding! I recycle more than I’ve ever been happy about a first date!)