Now it’s time to check out and also time to ask yourself: “What’s my highest-performing investment of the year?” The answer is Chipotle.

A long, brutal winter that was the warmest on record had settled over the lands. Mothers were clutching their baby bjorns. Fathers were also clutching their baby bjorns, except they made an Adam Sandler movie about it.

WRITER 3: I thought the general was having sex with his memoirist.
WRITER 1: That was Episode 2. And that was a different general.

Post pictures of “girls’ night!!!”, which usually entails watching Grey’s Anatomy and drinking margaritas so your mom can feel “young again.” To your mother, feeling young is acting like a sophomore sorority girl at the University of Tennessee.