“In my day, we didn’t have Youtube to just find whatever fireplace video we wanted. We had to settle for whatever was on the fireplace channel on TV. And we liked it!”
Everyone else would give us that look, like, “Oh, so you’re having one of THOSE nights,” outwardly facetious, inwardly impressed.
“If I knew they were going to buy food with it, I’d totally give them money, you know?”
Omg I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu you are so beautiful can I please have your babies ok thanks
Now it’s time to check out and also time to ask yourself: “What’s my highest-performing investment of the year?” The answer is Chipotle.
A long, brutal winter that was the warmest on record had settled over the lands. Mothers were clutching their baby bjorns. Fathers were also clutching their baby bjorns, except they made an Adam Sandler movie about it.
I do know that it’s hard to look my mom in the eye after we’ve clearly both just seen that Guiding the Pole in My Hole is playing on BraZZers TV at 8:30.
Xg — I’m the Grandpa who keeps making xenophobic remarks about people from countries that no longer exist.
WRITER 3: I thought the general was having sex with his memoirist.
WRITER 1: That was Episode 2. And that was a different general.
Post pictures of “girls’ night!!!”, which usually entails watching Grey’s Anatomy and drinking margaritas so your mom can feel “young again.” To your mother, feeling young is acting like a sophomore sorority girl at the University of Tennessee.