Thank you, Fred, for allowing me to give our daughter enough love and affection to make up for your absence.
“You shouldn’t smoke near your child.”
In a world where American children are at an extremely high risk of being bullied to the point of suicide, becoming victims of sexual assault, or catching the Ebola virus, parents need to exercise extra caution and panic.
“I’ve never been on live television before!”
My husband found me on my knees in Gracie’s nursery, sobbing, pointing helplessly to the crib.
The solution to the border crisis is simple: we gotta bleach all these Mexican kids so that they look like white people and we can sneak them into the middle of the country unnoticed.
And when he’s 15, he’ll want some cash to go to a movie with that cute little brunette girl from his English class who writes poems but won’t show them to anyone but him. You’ll balk because the girl’s mother “always skimped on snacks for the kids’ soccer games” five years earlier.
“Oh, it hurts so much when babies cry. They can not verbalize what they are feeling; maybe it’s a headache or maybe it’s nausea or maybe she is simply hungry. But who can tell exactly what it is? We can only guess.”
“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.”
My sister and I don’t have the greatest relationship, but this is low even for her.