Did you see all my new tweets? Seems like the quality of my tweets rises in direct correlation with the amount of free time I have. Like my tweets are so amazing at this point, I think I should publish them as a book of tweets called Brad’s Hilarious Tweets.

I used to reassess my budget every time the price of cigarettes ballooned. “They’re $11 now? Okay… switching to one-ply toilet paper and ordering the $5 Miller High Life / Whiskey combo until my next paycheck comes. That oughta do it.”

People are quick to look down on others who aren’t fitting the mold. The irony is that your friend who works as a barista, sleeps with a lovely assortment of people, and gets stoned before watching Intervention might be happier than you—the young professional with a dog.

After spending two hours at my house behaving like a zombie, my mother fell backwards into my walk-in closet. The doors had come down and she had hit her head on the floor. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’ve never written about it before and it feels strange doing so now, but it’s important because that day was what made her go to rehab.

The episode began with Jamie—a 27-year-old alcoholic with questionable highlights— attending a service at The Church of People Who Like To Close Their Eyes And Chant. She talked about how she wanted to dedicate herself to Jesus and then there were shots of her swaying with her hands up in the air. It kind of looked like she was at a rave rolling on ecstasy, but it turned out to just be a typical day at her church.