I grew up fully aware of the fact that I was never going to be the tall, gorgeous girl that ruled every high school and college campus. I’ve always been too short, and in fact spent most of my high school and college years learning to subtly stand on tiptoes to be the same height as everyone else.
Your favorite shot to take is Pepto-Bismol.
“My roommate has a cat that can’t take a poop in the litterbox. The cat just sits next to the box and puts his front paws in, thinks he is in the clear and poops all over the floor.”
Because our breasts get in the way of the microphone, and having them slam into the mic stand is not only painful, but also dangerous.
“Now the question I ask is, ‘Do I want this guy to be the father of my children?’”
“The perfect vagina is like a perfect handshake—the grip has to be strong and solid.”
A dog, I quickly realized, is a living thing, and like any living thing, how easy it is to live with is directly proportional to how much it likes you. My dog didn’t like me at all.
What do the walkers do during the day? Chill underground or something?
I don’t want to read the wedding section, but I do. Every week.
Eight years later, a special group of people still seem to be struggling with the notion that President Obama is indeed a natural born American citizen.