I still miss pie.
1. The Penis Microphone
GF uses my erect penis as a microphone and sings songs.
9. Your shower thoughts are potential joke tweets.
11. Crumpled up Wise Potato Chip bags
I’m a gigolo for grandmas. Some as old as 90, none younger than 65. I’ve got $2 million in a bank from grandmas leaving me money in their wills.
7. When someone falls asleep on you (EEK!) and you need to get off at the next stop and you end up shoving them off.
Is this real? Did they really take the six steps necessary to leave that note instead of the one step it would have taken to wipe off the spot? Yes, they did. They always will.
Texting you that their plans fell through and if they could hang, only to spring “good, because I’m around the corner” when you say okay.
If you haven’t seen Comedy Central’s hilarious Nathan For You, your life is a dark, meaningless pit of sadness.
The thing about heavy drinking in your teens and twenties and acting like a complete nut job is — there’s an awareness of how young you are, and you think, “I’ll eventually stop doing this, but for now I’m just having fun.”