Get the promotion. Travel. Perform stand-up. Put on a gallery showing. Make yourself a green smoothie every morning. I don’t know. Do it all. You have the time. It’s all yours. Make it count!
Forget their birthday after promising to make it “the best birthday ever!”
Someone help me. Please.
All of this goes on my face?
And it costs how much?
Every time you stop texting them first just to know how long it takes until they initiate a conversation, just to realize they will never do so.
“Is it too late now to say I’m sorry?” Yes, I know grades close today. No, you can’t make up the 20 assignments you neglected to do all semester.
Telling people that you are Mark Ruffalo.
This state smells exactly the same way it looks — like a penis.
I swear if you use your spatula to make another pile of rice shaped into a heart look like it’s beating I’m going to take a dump on the grill.
Call your grandma, she’s bound to tell you she loves you.
The people watching is on point.