“i’m deleting tinder 4 u”
Note to self: if a hot guy has a creepy friend, don’t get steamy where watching eyes can see.
If Amazon offered pap smears, I would be the first woman uploading pictures of my vagina and sending my genetic material in a pre-printed tube and box for analysis. If you could buy a car through Amazon with as much ease, I would happily buy my next car through Amazon.
Puking, as much as you miss it, is few and far between these days. You left the glamour of hangovers behind with your 20s, bless.
Sorry not sorry. When you are shamelessly proud of your bad behavior, so you are sorry that you are not sorry about it even though you should be very sorry about it.
If your lover is honey, don’t lick it all.
“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”
It’s not that you don’t work out either. You hit the gym three or four times a week but it’s no where near enough to counter the after dinner highway robbery of your willpower and the 7 biscuit ransom being held against you.
Since I’m very self-aware, I guess I could change. Start watching my words. Conduct all kale consumption in the kitchen. Stop trying to conquer the planet in a long weekend.
From the first sip you’ve known, coffee was really all you’d ever needed. It’s the push you’d needed to be a better, less grumpy, but stinkier breathed version of yourself.