“Is it too late now to say I’m sorry?” Yes, I know grades close today. No, you can’t make up the 20 assignments you neglected to do all semester.
Telling people that you are Mark Ruffalo.
This state smells exactly the same way it looks — like a penis.
I swear if you use your spatula to make another pile of rice shaped into a heart look like it’s beating I’m going to take a dump on the grill.
Call your grandma, she’s bound to tell you she loves you.
The people watching is on point.
I think the writers of my life are having a crisis.
Why do the dirty work of breaking up if you can make your significant other do it for you?
“The only thing someone spying on me would learn is how many meals I eat in bed.”