“I had an orgy on my parents’ bed when they went away for the weekend.”
*Throws on crew neck, get stuck putting head through* “Code red. CODE RED!
If you drink wine out of a measuring cup, you’re clearly out of f*cks to give.
*puts down the bag of potato chips and goes to the gym*
Kiss your old life goodbye and prepare for a plethora of bruises in the most obscure parts of your body.
“I was the maid of honor and as I gave my toast I had a massive brain fart and called the groom by the bride’s ex’s name…”
Did you get that dress on sale? Because at my place it’s 100% off.
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Something that immature little boys do to girls when they’re too cowardly to say they’re no longer interested.
The next time you are sad over the fact that you can not be a real life character in Game of Thrones, do me a favor step into your favorite local bar and take a moment to observe, reassess, and appreciate your lovely and existing presence in the known world.