Sadly, some people never get out of that junior high mentality. And you know the one’s I’m talking about. They fall into three categories: the Facebook Moms, the Old Biddies, or the Catty College Chicks.
Never assume you were the only woman lucky enough to deserve a cheekbone bruise. Bitches are lining up to be failed by those biceps.
Before date one, you have to ask yourself a critical question: Will pictures of you and your hypothetical new lover be a hit on Instagram? If the answer is no, how can he possibly be the one?
Everything is embarrassing.
Drunk? Hungover? Regretting everything? Needing a cocktail without the tail? Say it all without being censored just because you like dick and/or black out sometimes.
To be human is to be a little…messy. But to be a functional mess is pure art.
Vodka Sodas are boring, and so are the people who drink them.
The strap falling off the shoulders. So. Freaking. Annoying. I have better things to do than continually reaching into my shirt like a weirdo to pull up a fallen bra strap. CAN YOU JUST STAY ON MY DAMN SHOULDER?! YOU HAVE ONE JOB.
Randomly select “Log out of all devices” on Netflix from another computer and then RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Suggest going for coffee and when they agree say that you can’t because coffee gives you the shits. Don’t explain.