Grab ya groupons, grab ya dogs, eat, drink, may all my betches be merry. See you at Atlanta’s finest iceberg.
Here are nine (albeit slightly ridiculous) ways to get out of it, some of which assume you are a badass out to start some trouble.
It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow. Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg.
When I tell my rape story, I always leave out the part about letting him come back. It confuses the narrative.
Bargaining: You will literally do anything to make this pain go away. Should you try to fall asleep again? How much ibuprofen is too much ibuprofen? You beg your roommate to go out and get you a bagel. You’ll pay her. With interest.
I have already grown bored with him, already played with him enough times and want a new toy. I wish he would disappear and remain a bittersweet memory, a trophy to add to my collection of dozens.
You’re here to enjoy a long night of heavy drinking and poor decisions. Ever since you’ve all become pseudo-adults, it seems to have been impossible to get all of you together.
Not everyone wants to drink themselves into oblivion on Thirsty Thursday or Faded Friday and Sloppy Saturday.
This is called mommy-ology
Rape is not a way to JUSTIFY your bad choices.