Bargaining: You will literally do anything to make this pain go away. Should you try to fall asleep again? How much ibuprofen is too much ibuprofen? You beg your roommate to go out and get you a bagel. You’ll pay her. With interest.

I have already grown bored with him, already played with him enough times and want a new toy. I wish he would disappear and remain a bittersweet memory, a trophy to add to my collection of dozens.

You’re here to enjoy a long night of heavy drinking and poor decisions. Ever since you’ve all become pseudo-adults, it seems to have been impossible to get all of you together.