Among the ladies, there’s an ongoing popular web joke which really confuses me: “Drake wouldn’t treat me like this.” Which is a wild thing to say because, well, have you heard any of his lyrics? Drake is almost definitely worse than the fuck boy you’re messing around with right now. Don’t believe me?

What type of music you listen to says at least a little bit about your personality. So, it’s pretty safe to assume that people who like a particular artist have something in common. But what are those commonalities? After painstaking research and speaking with dozens of leading psychologists (i.e. my 24-year-old upstairs neighbor who works at Barnes & Noble), I’ve compiled an authoritative list. It was all very scientific.