Even though there are long, frustrating, tear-filled, lonely nights in the process of finding out what you want, there are also amazing moments along the way. The process is not quick and the self-doubt can be brutal but you’re doing exactly what you need to do.
Mental illness is uncomfortable and challenging and intolerable. No one wants to be that way. But you have to remember that someone with a mental illness is not their disorder.
In a brief moment of clarity, I saw that my love for Max had developed into unprecedented dependence, which was not requited. I could not be without him, but he could be without me if he needed to.
The next step in the cycle is always relapse, and it always brings comfort and ends all pain. How do you quit something that seems to make everything better?
You will love someone so much, so painfully, that you’ll hate them for not always being there.
I had hope that maybe things could get better in the next 6 months. For the first time in months, I felt hopeful about the future. I felt hopeful that there would even be a future.
My depression is one component of my identity, but it doesn’t share my face or my name. It is something else entirely. Something scary and dark and lonely and so completely unlike me.
Even though sitting alone with depression is lonely, it’s also temporary (as I have learned time and time again).
“Having a big black dog in your life isn’t so much about feeling a bit down, sad or blue, at it’s worse, it’s about feeling devoid of feeling altogether.”
1. Pray. Find solitude in the promises of God.