What a painful, ugly, exquisite gift!
It was very, very odd.
See your parents through a very limited lens. Think that they are here to teach you, to answer the phone when you have a question about a suspicious mole on your neck or an ache in your belly.
BKS Iyengar has passed away, and it is sad to see someone we grew up with as a yoga teacher of teachers, pass.
Every part of me rejected that phrase. He said it casually in the hope that maybe I didn’t hear it, and maybe it didn’t have to be true, or perhaps so we could just glaze over it and move on to what was for dinner. “I’m sick,” he said.
What did they see?
Not everyone understands, and that’s what makes it so difficult. Depression is not something many people recognize as a disease. For many, it is not the same as cancer or diabetes, but I assure you, it is.
Eventually I handed my husband the phone and asked him to call my sister so she could tell everyone. I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want to deal with their grief on top of my own. I just wanted to fall apart and have that be okay, so I did
But I have one now. What’s it like? To lose someone you didn’t want to live without? The answer is in the question. You just don’t want to live. That’s what it’s like.
I am constantly looking for any frame of reference, any acknowledgement that mourning is a thing that all humans who love inevitably experience and that grief is constantly around us, but rarely comes to the surface.