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Call Of Duty

Now we can only hope that this isn’t the first of multiple peculiar incidents that will occur in the following weeks. Perhaps this is the Genesis of the Apocalypse.

It’s a promise that we will see each other again. It’s a confidence that he will be safe and return unharmed. It’s my promise to him that I believe things will be okay. It’s a promise that one day, we’ll be sitting in the same place. Right here, in the comfort of our parents home, together. Playing guitar.

I hear it all the time. Gals will meet a guy and he’s great and totally not weird, so they go on a few dates and that goes great, too, and so the relationship progresses to a point where they both feel comfortable just hanging out at his apartment, and now, suddenly, they’re confronted with exactly how much time their guy spends messing around on xbox.

“w00t,” says the office ‘cool guy’, who likes to wear his plaid fedora on the group coffee outings while he explains joyfully to everyone about all the circa 2007 bands in which he is interested.

You know what the most fascinating thing about gamers is? They get laid. You think they wouldn’t because they kind of all look like smooshed gumballs, but they do because they only have each other. Gamers don’t breed outside of their kind because they’re A. so isolated and B. a non-gamer would never be able to tolerate their lifestyle.