First of all, why in the world would anyone even step foot within 10 miles of a KFC when Popeye’s exists? Popeye’s is the Beyoncé to KFC’s Katy Perry — there is just no comparison, and one just looks sad when mentioned in the same sentence.

What a terrible scenario to imagine if someone — not me, of course, but someone — siphoned off a portion of blood and improperly transported it, leading to coagulated garbage blood, unfit for anyone’s mysterious, undoubtedly sinister purpose.

We all know pumpkin pie is delicious — we have spent the better part of the 21st century so far trying to cram that flavor combination into as many products as we possibly can.

Am I supposed to smile while everybody sings? Or do I modestly laugh? Do I make eye contact with people individually, or glance by all of them? Would it be corny if I did that little orchestra conductor thing? Yeah, that’d be corny.


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