First of all, why in the world would anyone even step foot within 10 miles of a KFC when Popeye’s exists? Popeye’s is the Beyoncé to KFC’s Katy Perry — there is just no comparison, and one just looks sad when mentioned in the same sentence.

What a terrible scenario to imagine if someone — not me, of course, but someone — siphoned off a portion of blood and improperly transported it, leading to coagulated garbage blood, unfit for anyone’s mysterious, undoubtedly sinister purpose.

We all know pumpkin pie is delicious — we have spent the better part of the 21st century so far trying to cram that flavor combination into as many products as we possibly can.

Am I supposed to smile while everybody sings? Or do I modestly laugh? Do I make eye contact with people individually, or glance by all of them? Would it be corny if I did that little orchestra conductor thing? Yeah, that’d be corny.

My general rule is this: if you “only like that one Taio Cruz song when you’re drunk,” you probably actually LOVE that one Taio Cruz song but are too afraid to admit it. It’s not impossible that, unbeknownst to you, you are Taio Cruz’s biggest fan.