I’m going to have to flip the table, kick my foot through the window, tear off my own arm, eat the arm, cry, and throw up in the next four seconds if I have any hope of expunging the darkness welling up in my soul like an oil derrick.
Not everyone can grow up to be an astronaut, movie star, professional athlete, or in the case of Operation, a surgeon.
When confronted with a problem, you choose the simplest most straightforward solution. You’re never afraid of snapping off a door’s handle by torqueing it too hard, or spattering a person’s brains too far by assaulting them with too heavy a bludgeoning weapon.
Monopoly: …Man, what a great game. The best thing about “Monopoly” is this — you get $200 just for passing “Go.” I wish stuff like this happened more often in real life. The only comparison I can think of in real life is when you wake up in bed and someone has made you coffee and breakfast and maybe you get some oral sex out of the deal. Just for waking up!
Getting stoned can be super fun, but it also has the potential to be the biggest letdown. Maybe you’re not with the “right” people, maybe it’s bad weed, or maybe you just go to a really dark place. You accidentally get too high and find yourself curled up in the fetal position thinking you’re going to choke on a wheat thin because your mouth is so dry. The paranoia begins and your glazed eyes start to panic. “I’m, like, too fucking high, you guys.”