I’m always living in the unknown. Always on edge just waiting for the floor to collapse under me. Always just waiting for the people I love to go away as soon as I feel stable. Always waiting for my happiness to disappear as soon as I learn how to smile again.
I’m constantly flooded with my anxiety screaming at me that it’s not worth it. And that I should give up on finding love. To just stop, because I’m broken.
Anxiety is climbing a steep mountain through a blizzard. It’s trying to swim in a tsunami. It’s trying to breathe where trees have stopped growing. It’s trying to stay alive in the Sahara desert. It’s trying so hard to smile when tears flood your face. It’s trying so hard to be okay when you’re not okay.
You are obsessed with being the best of the best. Whether it’s in school or work or your personal relationships, you always want to be the best student, the best employee and the best friend.
It is mind numbingly terrifying. Like you’ve been strapped in a non stop rollercoaster that has no intention of stopping. It’s the drop in your stomach type of feeling that feels like it will never end. It’s petrifying.
It’s sleeping over at their place to try to ease your aching mind. It’s not being able to relax because you’re so wrapped up in your head, instead of being wrapped up in his arms.
I’m done feeling like a burden. Feeling like I am less of a fantastic human being because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. And if you can’t handle my imperfect life, if you can’t handle that I have a mental illness, you can walk away. You can get out of my life.
You find yourself having FOMO constantly. Even though you say no a lot and you don’t get out much, when you see yourfriends enjoying time together, you are filled up with jealousy and envy.
When you’re a friend with someone who has anxiety, you’re friends with someone who will never neglect you. They aren’t going to ditch you for other people, or the ‘cool’ crowd. They know your loyalty and wouldn’t ever dream of giving up a wonderful friendship. You make them feel more comfortable and more at ease. Why would they ever give that up?
You’ll begin to understand that anxiety cannot be healed. You’ll begin to understand that anxiety is not like a broken leg, or a sprained wrist. And you’ll begin to understand that anxiety is a chemical imbalance, not a cry for attention.