Your Perfect “Crap, I’m Broke!” Grocery List
As an underemployed 23-year-old who spends most of her money on booze, I have become uncomfortably good at stuffing my face with relatively healthy meals for practically no money. Allow me to share my wisdom! (Disclaimer: if you don’t like peanut butter, get away from this webpage. Also, what? You don’t like peanut butter? You have some things to figure out.)
Sliced whole wheat bread (for the nutrition, I think!)
A jar of peanut butter the size of a paint bucket
An 18-pack of eggs (if you’re doin’ this right, you will go through all of them)
A package of high quality bacon (this is where you splurge, people!)
Sliced cheese of your choosing
Milk of your choosing (Get New Agey with it! Vanilla almond milk is a real thing and it tastes like milkshakes!)
2 different boxes of cereal
3 cans of soup
A packet of deformed looking baby carrots
The Fun Combos You Can Cook for One:
Egg bacon and cheese sandwich
Egg and cheese sandwich (if you’ve run out of bacon. I don’t recommend this)
Bowl of cereal with one kind of cereal
Bowl of cereal with two kinds of cereal! Mixing cereals!
PB and A sandwich
PB and J and B sandwich
PB and J sandwich (if you’ve run out of A’s and B’s. Everyone’s following my convenient acronyms here, right?)
Soup with bread (YES!)
Soup without bread (Why?)
Grilled cheese with bacon
Grilled cheese without bacon (STOP RUNNING OUT OF BACON!)
Banana smothered in PB (good for a messy day on the go!)
Chocolate with PB (notice that running out of PB is not an option in this list)
Apples with cheese (Fruit and cheese plate!)
Coffee mixed with milkshake milk
Coffee mixed with hot chocolate (you’re welcome)
Coffee without milkshake milk or hot chocolate (you’re boring)
Chocolate, alone, like you
Cereal in handfuls
Bacon in handfuls (what?)
Cheese, as cheese.
BON APPETIT, FRIENDS!
A | A | A
You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.