How To Pick The Perfect Bottle Of Wine

Dec. 29, 2012
She writes funny lists for her blog as well as offensively girly articles for eHow Style. ...

How to Pick the Perfect Bottle of Wine

Step 1: Make sure to enter the wine store already a little bit drunk. This way, you’re guaranteed to make a sound decision. You’ll also definitely not embarrass yourself in front of the classy people who regularly shop there for adult dinner parties, so that’s an added bonus.

Step 2: Start perusing the expensive rack. Just because you’re 23 and wearing pajamas that are maybe covered in peanut butter does not mean that you can’t afford to treat yourself. I mean, the peanut butter only happened because you really like toast, not because PB&J was all you could budget for tonight’s dinner. Okay???

Step 3: Once you’ve got a gauge on the more pricey options, start checking out the 12 and under bottles. Just to see. I mean, a $35 bottle isn’t necessarily better than a $10 one, you know??? You will not be a slave to marketing!

Step 4: OOOO, cool artsy label. You love cool artsy labels. This one’s in the running for sure.

Step 5: “No, elegant wine store owner with the single earring and beautiful handmade scarf, I do not need your help. I’m just walking around in circles because this is a very important decision and I know a lot about wine.”

Step 6: Abruptly notice Gato Negro on the shelf, a brand whose jumbo bottles costs $12 and are bigger than your entire torso.

Step 7: Walk past the torso bottles once. Then twice. Then pay for one of them with too many quarters.

Step 8: Enjoy your torso bottle alone, on your couch, with a couple of candles lit for added romance. By the way, it’s been proven that this particular varietal goes really well with toast. TC Mark

image – Shutterstock
Sydney Nikols

Sydney Nikols

She writes funny lists for her blog as well as offensively girly articles for eHow Style. …

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