5 Jobs I Would Absolutely Never Take
1. Driving a party bus.
This job requires you to be three things at all times: sober, focused, and responsible for the lives of young people. I am hardly willing to be these things under normal circumstances, let alone while Ke$ha is playing and free booze is being doled out. The poor people who have decided this career track is worth it need a hug, or at least a packet of earplugs and some disinfectant.
2. Serving at a restaurant where they I.D. everyone, even the 80-year-olds.
This job would necessitate that you have the same conversation over and over until you just gave up and drowned yourself in a vat of cheesy spinach dip. “May I see your I.D. sir? Yes, you heard me correctly, we I.D. everyone. Oh, I’m glad you’re flattered! You don’t look a day over 40! Bla bla bla barf!!” Also, a secondary concern: this kind of place has to have terrible management, right? I mean, if they insist you I.D. 80-year-olds, what else are they insisting on behind the scenes — boot camp drills? Forced marriages? No Shave Novembers? The possibilities are horrifically endless.
3. Personal assisting.
No, thank you on doing menial bullshit for a rich person. I’m annoyed enough when I have to purchase personal hygiene products for myself, or deal with my own money things; why would I want to complete these tasks for someone else? Plus, this “someone else” is most likely a total raging asshole, or at least enough of a douche to make you sad that they own three vacation homes.
4. Being Chris Brown’s travel agent.
I realize there is a very slim chance this opportunity will pass my way, but it’s worth mentioning because he would be the most frustrating client. Have you heard “International Love”? In a song whose title contains the word “international,” he literally only names New York, L.A., and Miami. As his travel agent, I imagine him calling me and saying “I’m tryna go somewhere rull lush and exotic. You got anything in Des Moines where the sun shine?” at which point I would reply, “Yes, the lawns of the county correctional center. Let’s hasten the inevitable before the world has to suffer from your ignorance any longer.”
5. Dog walking.
I understand why people fall into this gig — after all, “who doesn’t love animals!!!!!!!” and “it’s so flexible!!!!!1” However, let’s shove aside our visions of rolling around in a lush park with a baby labradoodle and actually examine the facts: your sole task is to drag around 10 animals on 10 separate leashes with the intentions of coaxing them to piss. If this situation doesn’t make you question your self-worth, nothing will.
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21. When somebody compares your looks to another person, that other person always has glasses—no matter how little they actually look like you.
Elf. Love Actually. Are you smiling already, filled with warm holiday feelings?
But when you’re on day nine of a trip and you have zero clean clothes, you’re struggling to remember if the last time you showered was Tuesday or Wednesday, and you haven’t worn make up or brushed your hair in a week, you bond with these people.
Ideally, we would be cognizant enough of the need that exists in our communities—for children, for veterans, for the homeless and the hungry, for the disadvantaged—because the circumstances through which most people find themselves in a position of need are generally out of their control.