I recently had the good fortune of stumbling upon a free ticket to see Nickelback at Madison Square Garden. I’m happy to report that the concert was everything I could have wished for and more — not only did the band exceed my expectations (imagine a flying stage and half-assed banter about beer and bras), but the people in the seats did, too. For all those who have forever been curious about the matter, I present the types of people who attend a Nickelback Concert.
Parents Who Want to Feel In-The-Know
Between the loosely fitted bedazzled tops giving way to wrinkly forearms and the crowding around overpriced merchandise, it became clear that the large middle-aged population at hand was attempting to feel young again.
This was arguably pretty endearing; What wasn’t endearing, however, was the way they brought their children down with them. I mean, if you’re jamming to Nickelback at age 55, that’s fine; good on you for livin’ how you wanna. However, if you’re 13, you should be listening to the modern day equivalent of Blink-182 and that’s that. I shudder to think of all the matching Nickelback T’s I saw fathers and sons sporting. (Sidenote: as it turns out, Nickelback concerts provide a hysterical exception to the “don’t wear a band’s t-shirt to their show” rule.)
Couples Whose “Song” is “You Remind Me”
I know it seems too ridiculous to be true, but until you’ve witnessed two human beings in distressed denim grind like they’ll never grind again to the lyrics, “Are we having fun yet? / Yeah, yeah, yeah / No, no” you have no grounds to dispute me on this. After all that I’ve seen, it’s difficult to view the world through my old rose-colored glasses.
Poster Children for American Obesity
I’m not trying to be a dick here, but attending a Nickelback concert is a lot like going to Disneyworld — not only because a soda costs $7 and the amount of fun you have is arguably proportional to how drunk you are (…am I doing Disneyworld wrong?), but because most of your fellow patrons are over 300 pounds. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but is lead singer Chad Kroeger actually Walt Disney reincarnated? They do seem to share the same evil genius…
People Who Could Take or Leave the Whole “Music” Thing
People who attend Nickelback concerts are the type for whom sporting events are far more interesting than concerts and the radio is only useful in so far as it keeps one apprised on what’s playing at the club. This is a fine quality — we all have our “things,” and while I may have a more well-versed taste in music than your average Nickelback fan, I still don’t understand the function of a yard line. And, hey, maybe the world needs Nickelback to even things out. After all, just as there are bands for people who hate music, there are sports for people who hate sports. I enjoy watching figure skating. Just saying.
Ah yes, and then there’s me: a lace-up-boot-wearing, coconut-water-drinking twenty-something who stumbled upon a free ticket. For someone who considers herself pretty hip and cultured, I sure did strain my voice shout-singing along to “Photograph.” My soul might contain more white-washed denim and bad bleach jobs than I care to admit.