I believe I have come to the end of myself. As I sit here contemplating where I’ve been, where I still want to go and why I’m not there yet, I realize the “reasons” are largely excuses.
A critical voice of self-judgement whispers to me inside my head, barely audible. I sense their meaning more than actually hear the words… which is probably definitely more dangerous.
Failure… weak… lazy… unimportant… never amount to anything… wasted so much time and money… get over yourself and just give it up… nobody cares about what you have to say…
I ask myself, “Who am I to think I can do this? Who am I to think I can make a difference in someone’s life in a deeply meaningful way? Why DON’T I just give up and get a job? Tim Hortons is always hiring. Or maybe I could aspire to work at Starbucks instead…”
This thought creates even more self-loathing.
But then my champion rises up… slowly at first, quietly, and then with more vigour…
Who am I indeed?
I am spiritual, empathetic, intuitive. I am funny and irreverent. I love deeply, compassionately, unconditionally. I am insightful and strategic, innovative and creative. I am grateful and appreciative. A horse whisperer, animal lover, child of God, the Universe, divine being of unlimited potential.
And I have gifts.
I help people. I help them to gain clarity in their goals and purpose. I help them to gain clarity in their next steps. I help them to be seen for who and what they truly are through their online presence and in person. I show them to themselves and help them to see their magnificence, their enough-ness. I help them to heal physically, emotionally, spiritually and to move forward with confidence and compassion. I help them to connect with people and to be aware of the impact that they make so they can make an even greater impact. I support and encourage and coach and guide. I intuit and strategize and teach and inspire. I start ripples of gratitude and appreciation and conscious leadership that expand out into the world touching tens, hundreds, thousands of people.
Who am I NOT to do this?
And so I take a deep breath and get back to the basics…
Take 100% responsibility for myself and my situation. No excuses. No shame. No blame. If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.
Believe that I can. A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking, so if I keep telling myself that I can, I create and affirm the belief that I can.
Decide what I want. Not what anyone else wants or thinks I should do. What is my heart, my soul, my God calling me specifically to do? What needs to happen in order to fulfill that? What does that look like?
Create the plan. To stay out of overwhelm I simply ask myself, “What’s the first thing?” If I keep taking one step at a time in the right direction (or even mostly right direction) I am sure to eventually get there.
Take care of myself along the way. My body serves me but it is not meant to be my servant. When I love my body with nurturing thoughts, healthy food, adequate rest and plenty of water, it returns the favour and allows me to do all that I need and want to do.
Another deep breath and a sense of peace, love, and joy fills me. I may not be living the life I had hoped I would be living by this time. I don’t have the dream house, the relationship, the bank account that I long for.
But I do have this… my life right here, right now. My gifts. My potential. My will to keep going. And it is amazing.
And so I step into another day… courageously happy.