7 Important Things I Learned From My Ex-Fiancé

It was pouring. And it wasn’t that refreshing summer rain you look forward to feeling on your dry, warm skin. It was mid-November in upstate New York, it was 40 degrees, and this rain would turn into snow in a week. A week after that, I’d be nowhere to be found.

I broke off the engagement with my fiancé six months prior to this event. But that rainy, cold, eerie day was the day I packed my car to put 3,000 miles between us.  

The break didn’t last forever.

Surprisingly, despite the distance, we talked every day and agreed it was time for him to move across country with me. I flew to New York, and we drove to the west coast together — only to break up again. We still live in the same city. We still go to the same events. We still watch the same shows. And you know what? I don’t hate him. In fact, he was my best friend, the person who taught me more than any job, any friend, or any family member ever had, even now.

1. One look can change everything.

Some people are afraid to make eye contact, and for the longest time, I was one of those people. But one day I realized by looking into someone’s eyes, I can see deeper into their emotions.

I once said something that greatly irritated my ex-fiancé in bed. Immediately I watched his pupils shrink as he claimed he wasn’t upset, but I knew differently. The same went for when he was proud of me. His eyes would shine, dazzle, and sparkle with excitement. Eyes truly are the way to a person’s soul, especially a person who gives themselves to you unconditionally.

2. Love doesn’t have to include sex.

I love sex more than most activities. For a period of time, I considered myself a borderline sex addict, having achieved up to 16 orgasms during one sex session. I’m even working on a sex novel.

Somehow I met someone who made me feel differently. This wasn’t because the sex was bad, the sex was nowhere near mediocre. But I’m still in love with him — I always will be. Love is beautiful in more ways than one. It’s the way we can still look at each other without regret or “hard feelings.” It’s realizing we are both beautiful, we just weren’t beautiful for one another.

3. Remember important digits.

I know numerous friends who don’t know who to call when they’re in trouble. When I was 10 years old, I had over 20 numbers memorized because, well, I didn’t have a cell phone.

Welcome to the age of technology. Don’t get me wrong, I still know a handful of numbers, but not like I know his. And if my phone dies, he’s the first one I call. To this day, if I call him more than once in a 10-minute time period, he’ll call me back making sure I’m “alright.” I remember his number, he remembers my safety.

4. Cheerleaders are great.

My first runway show happened this year. He dropped everything to attend it. He cheered me on, took photos, video footage, and patiently waited as I had to take post-show photos with fans. This man was smiling ear to ear, it was beautiful. Videos included women saying, “That girl in the gold and black is beautiful,” with him quickly responding, “That’s my girlfriend!” His smile rang through his words.

With so many haters out there we need to keep our cheerleaders close. Drown out the hurtful noise with loving laughter.

5. “Snap out of it!”

You need someone to talk sense into you. Acquaintances are great. They’ll party with you, accompany you to dinner, and give you dating advice, but will they be 100% honest with you? Maybe.

To this day, only a handful of people have been completely upfront with me, and beyond that only two of them have gained my utmost respect. My ex-fiancé and my European best friend changed me. Whenever I didn’t look my best or work my hardest, they would tell me I was slacking. And you know what? It’s something I absolutely needed to hear. It made me love them more, and it made me a better person.

6. You have to let go.

He will marry someone else. To this day I hate admitting that I’ll never be able to attend his wedding. We broke up for a reason.

I knew he could find someone who complimented his interests and loved him more. Letting go is healthy so long as you don’t try to extend your reach and break your arm in the process of trying to gain it back.

Start slow by making an online dating profile and putting yourself out there. It’s the best way to move on, move mountains, and make a statement.

7. “If it comes, back it’s yours.”

I could use this cliché statement to end my thought, but I could never do that. I don’t want him back. I did, but I learned from the process. Fast-forward to the present day: we’re both dating new people. When the new man in my life gets upset about something my ex-fiancé used to stress over, I realize: I need to step back and fix myself.

Friendships won’t always work out, and engagements won’t always result in marriage, but I’m glad that at one time they worked at all. Thank you, for making me a better person.